The story of us

Turkey shirt for Emily and Bows

2011-11-20T14:52:00.005-06:00

So here are my latest crafty endeavors. I made a Turkey shirt for Emily and this is my first crack at making her some hair bows. I think I did and okay job on the bows for my first time. They were surprisingly easy. I found the tutorial and pinned it on pinterest. So very easy. The shirt I was inspired by another shirt I pinned. Go take a look at my boards. :)

Robber's Cave

2011-11-07T21:47:00.000-06:00

Free digital scrapbook created with Smilebox

A Day with Emily during Fall Break

2011-11-07T21:18:00.001-06:00

This digital scrapbook personalized with Smilebox

Skull Shirt for Emily

2011-10-26T11:31:00.005-05:00

I made this yesterday! I had so much fun and I LOVE it and so does Emily! I got my inspiration from this shirt I pinned on pinterest.

Here are the materials that I used to make my version of the shirt.

Then I traced the skull onto the back of the felt . I chose the sticky kind of felt so I didn't have to buy heat and bond since I knew I was going to put some stitches into the felt to hold it onto the shirt. If you aren't going to put stitches around the skull then you will need to use regular felt or material with heat and bond.

I cut out the skull and placed it onto the shirt. Then I went around the skull with the embroidery thread. I used purple but you could use whatever color that you want.

At the end I added the bow so it was a little girly and I didn't have a fabric flower. I really love how it turned out. It's the first crafty thing I have made in a long time. I will post a pic of Emily wearing it when I give it to her. :)

New blog

2011-05-17T21:39:00.003-05:00

I have a new blog. Come by and check it out. It's called The Road. This new blog is going to chronicle my journey down a new road. I hope to see you all there soon!

Favorite Blog of the Week and Giveaway

2011-02-12T11:33:00.002-06:00

My favorite blog of the week is Treasures for Tots. I love this blog because Angie always has great ideas, tutorials, and cute stuff for you to buy! :)

She is having a giveaway right now for a beautiful dress for a special little girl in your life from the Shabby Apple. If you go and like their Facebook page you can get an entry. There are are a total of 15 ways to get entries.

Head over to Treasures for Tots and take a look at all the cute stuff she has!

Perspective

2011-02-11T23:03:00.002-06:00

Age brings perspective. This is a truth whether we want to admit it or not. Getting older and looking back over the experiences of our life give us perspective. I feel that sometimes our perspectives can be clouded with sentiment, expectations, and emotions. I also feel that I have not always used my perspective for my advantage.

At the moment I am at a crossroads in my life. I have come to the crossroad of early adulthood and middle age. I feel as though I have just grown up in the last two years. I have technically been called a grown up for eighteen years now, but I have not acted like a grown up. I have gone to college, been married, gone to graduate school, had two careers and working on the third, two kids, owned two houses, three or four cars, and now about two acres of land. However, I have never really grown up. I can act like a grown up for a little while, but I have a hard time sustaining it. I am stuck in all my muck and mire.

Sometimes the mud gets so thick that I am just wading through it. I am not actually living. I am only existing. I have gotten caught somewhere in my conflicts of my past. Our past is supposed to shape our lives and our future, but I am pretty sure it is not supposed to consume it. However, that is just what has been happening to me. I have been allowing my past to happen to me over and over and over again. I relive each portion of my childhood over and over and over again. Mistakes I have made in my adult life are repeated, and I get caught in this spiral of unhealthy choices, emotions, behaviors, and actions.

I believe that my perspective is allowing me to take a good look at myself. Surprisingly, I don't know if I like what I see.

Book Recommendation

2011-02-07T20:47:00.002-06:00

The Cow in the Parking Lot.

This is what I have most recently read. I have a problem with anger. This is not really a shock to those closest to me. It is part of my bipolar issues. My mania come out in anger. I have been working so hard on controlling it and learning new strategies to help. Medication does a lot but I still have anger issues. I have read ALOT of books on anger management. I have taken a little here and there, but this one is by far the best. If you have problems with anger or know someone who does... GET THIS BOOK. It says something about Zen in the title. Please don't pass it by because you are not Buddhist. I am not Buddhist, and this book did not make me become one. It is just good sound advice about anger and managing it.

Enjoy, its a great read!

Star Wars Birthday Party

2011-02-04T14:38:00.013-06:00

Ben had a Star Wars birthday party this year. I got lots of ideas from some of my favorite bloggers. Here are the blogs that were most helpful...
Tip Junkie had some of my favorites for games and she had an agenda for those of you who like to plan ahead. It really helped me stay organized
Make and Takes also had some good ideas.

I will tell you the ones I used for our party:

I made the light saber pretzels.
I put my own spin on the cupcake light sabers.
We walked on lava.
We destroyed the Death Star with our water balloons.
We went on a relay race for Clones and Droids.
We had a Jedi Training Course (obstacle course)
We played pin the light saber on Yoda.
We had an asteroid hunt through the house.

The kids had lots of fun. I was glad that only a few showed up though it was hard to keep all those boys on task. That is the teacher in me I suppose. We had two girls come, and Cadence, Ben's lifelong friend made the drive up north!

Here are some of the pics of the day:

Birthday boy has to have some presents to open!

We had a blue and red side of the table with Star Wars fruit snacks we found at the Dollar General and the pretzel light sabers. These were so easy to make. I got red and blue melts at Hobby Lobby and dipped the pretzels in halfway. Didn't they turn out cute?

This is the light saber cupcakes. Thanks to Mary for helping create my idea. I loved her idea of putting aluminum foil under the cupcakes for the effect. She iced them and set them up. The blue was easy, but red and grey were a little more difficult. I didn't really feel like I perfected the grey it looked more like purple black.

Pin the light saber on Yoda

Cadence getting ready to pin the light saber on Yoda.

Peanut and the Death Star. (and a few other chalk creations on the driveway)

Kids getting ready to throw their balloons to destroy the Death Star.
This was by far the most fun of the day. The kids loved throwing the balloons to make the Death Star disappear. We ran out of balloons if you do this I suggest lots and lots of balloons.

This is what it looked like when we were done. I had also just sent the kids on the Clone and Droid relay race to find the dark blue and light blue cards that said clone and droid on them.

Here we are counting up the cards making sure we had them all.

Emily walking on lava. This was pretty easy. We had an extra red tablecloth and some rocks. The kids had to walk on the rocks or fall into the lava.

Here is Dominick running through the obstacle course. When the kids were done they had completed their Jedi Training Course.

Here is Ben opening some of his presents.

We did eat the cupcakes but I am not sure where the pictures of the birthday boy blowing out the candles went. At the end of the party the kids went on an Asteroid hunt around the house. This was small pieces of aluminum foil with pieces of candy in them. They got to keep the ones they found and put in their treat bags. The favors were pretty boring this year just store bought stuff. I had good intentions........BUT....I let it go.

Favorite Blog of the Week

2011-02-04T13:18:00.002-06:00

I found a favorite for this week!
This is a crafty blog with tutorials for kids and adults to do. I found her on Skip to My Lou. She posted 31 Valentine Crafts for you and the kids. Go take a look and let me know what you think.

Benjamin Asher Cullum

2011-02-04T09:55:00.002-06:00

This post is late because our Internet has been sketchy with the weather. Yesterday, February 3, 2011 was Ben's seventh birthday. This post is for him.

Ben,
I can't believe that you are seven years old today. I remember the minute you took your first breath. I remember taking you home from the hospital, and just like today the weather was snowy. You have brought me such joy since the day you entered the world. I am so proud of all the things you have done and I look forward to all the things you will do. But most of all I am proud of who you are becoming. You seem to grow taller and wiser with every passing day. You are a good friend, a good brother, and a good son.

This past year has held a lot of changes for all of us, especially you. You have weathered the storm of changes with such grace that it amazes me. You have started two new schools and you have thrived in both places making friends. You are so smart and kind. I hope you never lose the kindness you have for other people.

My wish for you on your birthday is that you would always look for the good in everyone and everything. I wish for you to find happiness in life where ever you are and whatever you are doing. Always remember that we love you and you always have a safe place to fall.

Love,
mommy

Happiness is....

2011-01-26T14:23:00.002-06:00

Happiness is loving your job. I have to tell you I have had a few jobs in my lifetime. I also have to tell you that the one I have now I absolutely love. I love working with kids and their families one on one to make things better for all of them. I love the people I work with. We are all interested in helping people including one another. They are a great support system and I love them all.

I suggest if you don't have a job you absolutely enjoy doing...find one.

Ben's birthday

2011-01-25T09:08:00.002-06:00

I cannot believe that Ben is turning seven in a little over a week. His party is Saturday and I am going a little nuts trying to get it together. We invited his whole class since we are new in town but I have only had three RSVP's. I am thinking that is okay, but I hope he does too. :)

He is having a Star Wars party this year. As with all his parties lately I am doing the station thing. I am making Light Saber pencil holders for favors and we are having galactic pizza and yoda sodas! I will post as I get stuff together and definitely a post after the party.

Happy Monday!

2011-01-24T08:23:00.003-06:00

Happy Monday, EVERYONE!

It is a beautiful winter day here in Southeaster Oklahoma. The sun is shining and it is crisp. There was some frost on my windshield but not much more than that. It is supposed to warm up to the fifties today so we should be in great shape weather wise!

Started the job chart today. I explained it all to the kids and they woke up this morning ready to do their jobs. I like it. I also like that my son can use his iTouch to record his chores. I also put it in their hands, they do it and earn stuff or don't do it. I am not nagging. Did you hear me? NOT NAGGING. (we'll see) :)

Everyone have a terrific day!

The Idea Room: My Job Chart--Free Online Chore Charts

2011-01-22T18:23:00.000-06:00

The Idea Room: My Job Chart--Free Online Chore Charts

Okay so here is one of my new changes...I am actually going to post again! YEAH ME!!

I was reading my long list of blog posts that I need to catch up on. As I was reading I came across this AWESOME online chore chart. I have kids and they have chores. We have tried the traditional hang on the wall chore charts with reward systems and have used several different "tokens". This is a whole SYSTEM...the chores, the chart, the reward system, and the kids can even be set up to receive their rewards from Amazon.com.

I love this....check it out!

Everything Changes...

2011-01-20T09:58:00.002-06:00

I have to say that absolutely EVERYTHING changes. It is inevitable. When you start to think things are NEVER going to change, well friends that is exactly when they start to change. So my advice is to just put your seatbelt on, grab the "Oh Crap" handle and hold on as tight as you can because change is coming.

I find change a very unsettling thing to deal with. And unsettling is putting it quite lightly. Change actually puts my whole life into a tailspin. I can't handle it. However, in the midst of it I think I am handling it just fine. I think I have everything under control. Then to my surprise after I have been through it I look back or I talk to a loved one close to me and find out that the grace I thought I was exhibiting under pressure was just an illusion.

This year has brought so many changes to our life. I am sure this is true for everyone. It always seems like when I am looking at my life and the changes that have occurred they seem much bigger and harder than anyone else's. This is a very selfish and self-centered way of looking at things I realize. I am not really sure how to fix my selfish point of view, consequently I will tell you the changes that have occurred from my filter.

Changed jobs
Lost a job
Moved
Went into a hospital
Moved again
Blended a family
Changed careers
Began recovery

These were just the changes in my life. Some I have not listed because yes, some are way too personal right now to explain here. With all these changes I have reflected on how to continue this blog. I am still trying to figure it out, but I do realize that I want to continue it because it gives me such an outlet. But how to continue. Our family is SO very different now.

So...friends change is coming...I hope you will hold on and go through it with me.

Some differences...

2010-10-10T20:12:00.002-05:00

So now we live in the country. We have lived here for almost three months now and there are some distinct differences in our life now as opposed to our life in the city. Let me know if you can relate...

If we want anything that is not sold in a convenience store we must "go into town".
Our neighbor rides his four wheeler up to the "big house" (our house) to throw away his trash.
The stars are so bright that you can actually find the constellations on a clear night.
Guineas run through our "yard" all day long.
We refer to the back yard as the back pasture.
When I look out the window in the living room I see cows and horses.
We do not lock our doors, EVER.
Our garage door stays up almost all the time.
Our cars remain unlocked in the driveway.
You cannot see the air.
My daughter no longer has asthma.
The kids run around outside everyday.
Our dogs run free.

These differences are all good. I can't think of too many that are bad. We are loving this slower life in the country. The kids have adjusted so well to school. I start a new job tomorrow with an agency called Mental Health Mental Retardation. I will be a case manager for youth and adolescents. I am really looking forward to it. I am nervous because I haven't had a job since March, but I am happy to get back into the workforce.

So....

2010-09-01T21:20:00.002-05:00

Have you been wondering where I have been?

Well I have been around the world it seems and now I have finally made it back. Let's see if I can catch you all up on what's been going on with us.

I was in the hospital for nine days because my meds stopped working and when you are bipolar that can be a disaster. So on July 6th I went into the hospital and got it all straightened out.

We moved into our new house the beginning of August and we are still moving stuff from our house in Garland that hasn't sold yet, but I know it will I am not losing hope on that. We are also still unpacking stuff from both houses.

The kids started a new school on August 12th. They all seem to like it.

More soon. :)

Caleb's going away party...better late than never!

2010-06-28T11:38:00.001-05:00

These pictures are from March, but I thought I would go ahead and post them anyway. For some reason I can't seem to get caught up with my digital scrapbooking. You know its supposed to be easier right? :)

Customize your own free digital scrapbook

Lake Texoma

2010-06-25T19:38:00.000-05:00

Here is a smilebox of our visit to the lake on Wednesday.

Digital scrapbook personalized with Smilebox

Kool-Aid stand

2010-06-25T18:46:00.004-05:00

So the kids have decided to remodel an old shed on the back of the property we live on. They want to make it a "restaurant". But in order to do this they need money. They decided to have a Kool-Aid stand to raise money. I decided to teach them a little about business. They had a little money to put in and we had a change jar they took some change out of. I took them to the store to buy their supplies...sugar and ice. We had lots of Kool-Aid so we donated that as well. They were so excited last night, and then this morning they got up and started making Kool-Aid and we set-up the stand.

Katie making the Kool-Aid.

Katie stirring first to get all the big pieces of sugar and the syrup bottle from breakfast was still out!

More Katie stirring with her trusty sidekick Emily.

Finally Emily gets to stir.

Then its Ben's turn.

Here they are trying to decide which kind to make for their second pitcher.

Filling the pitcher with water.

Making their signs.

Making more signs and the garage sale pile in the background!

Finally set-up for business.

Getting a little discouraged because I am their only customer so far.

The Superintendent walked over and bought a cup and gave them a dollar and told them to keep the change.

At the end of the day they made three dollars profit after paying back the start-up costs. But the most important lesson learned today was how to plan something and follow through with it even when it is hot and no one is stopping to visit your business. The bonus for me really was that everyone pretty much got along all day and they seem closer for the experience.

New plans

2010-06-19T19:12:00.002-05:00

Boy a lot can happen in two weeks. First of all let me say that this has really all happened in two weeks we have not been planning this for months...I promise.

Last Monday Jeannie and I decided to look at houses in Durant, Oklahoma. We took all four kids and looked at six houses in one afternoon. It was an adventure and we found a house that we were told was getting ready to go into foreclosure and it was perfect for our blended family. Each child had a room and their rooms were away from the rest of the house. There was a pool and a one car garage next to the pool that could be used for a game room for the kids.

The real estate agent gave us the run around about putting in a offer for two days. I talked to my long time friend Dawn and she looked up the property and it was not in foreclosure so the next day I called a different agent and ask her to put in an offer for us. She informed me that the house was under contract with a closing date of the following Monday. I was really upset because we REALLY wanted that house. We broke the first rule and fell in love with that house. It was SO hard to let it go. The new agent looked up about ten houses that we might be interested in and showed us four that day. The last house was the best and we realized why the other one was taken away from us.

The house is the kind that you pull into the driveway and IMMEDIATELY think, I can't afford this. But that was not the case with this one. The house sits on 2.2 acres and the house itself has 5848 sq. ft. The listed price was 194,995. That comes out to 33.34 a sq ft. So I know you are thinking what's wrong with the house? Well we haven't had an inspection yet but it doesn't seem like there is anything apparently wrong with the house.

We decided to put an offer on the house the following Monday. In the meantime life kind of fell apart. My van broke down, and needed a new engine. Thank goodness for the lifetime power train warranty. It was completely free. We decided to put the house in Garland on the market and called my friend to see what we needed to and started packing. Then we took Chris to look at the house and Jeannie found out her dad had a stroke. That night I also found out that we had a broken pipe leading into the house had broken and would have to be fixed. When we finally made it home on Tuesday night we found out that our house was re-infested with fleas and we couldn't stay there, so we went to a hotel. I called an exterminator the next day and they worked us in and got the fleas out of the house and the yard. Then we found out the plumbing was going to cost $3500.00. I am hitting my knees to pray for the whole thing. Are these obstacles there because we shouldn't move forward.

Early afternoon on Friday I heard from the agent. They had countered our offer and it was higher than we wanted to go. Not that it wasn't a great deal but we still only have so much money and resources. I hit my knees again. Prayed for a clear answer, unmistakable. What should we do Lord? I fell asleep. I mean dead asleep. I slept for four hours. I got up to go to Ada with Jeannie and the kids to get Chris something for Father's Day.

We were going to Burger King to get something to eat and Chris sends me a text to tell me his mom has decided that she might want to buy our house. I think to myself this is my sign. Just twenty-four hours before she was not interested in seeing the house at all and was upset we were moving. But now she was interested in buying our house to help us. So I ask Chris what he wants to counter with and he says 189,000. I call the agent and she is skeptical but I hold my ground and ask her to counter with 189,000.

This morning I was getting up to fix breakfast for the kids and it was about 9:00am when my phone rang. I saw it was the real estate agent and I didn't really want to answer. I was afraid of the answer. The first thing she said was I have some good news for you, girl! I was still holding my breath, but she continued and said they accepted our offer. I was SO excited. Now we are in the next phase. Chris is at dinner with his mom talking about the house in Garland, and we are scheduling the inspection on the new house.

It is scary, it is a risk, and we are taking a step in faith. There are lots of teaching jobs in Sherman, Tx and Durant, Ok which are very close to the town we found the house in, Colbert, Ok. I have more opportunities to find a job and I will need a job to be able to afford the house we are buying. There is enough room for all of us and when Chris is gone I won't have to be a single mom and Jeannie won't have to be a single mom. Our kids can grow up together and we can be sisters to each other.

Please pray for us. We are trusting in Him to shine His light on our way so that we know we are on the right track.

Encouragement

2010-06-09T07:38:00.003-05:00

Summer is in full swing around here. We have been enjoying our pool and playing outside ALOT. It is amazing to me that even when it is HOT the kids love it outside. We have found that our one real tree on our property provides us with wonderful shade and keeps us at lease 10 degrees or more cooler than anywhere else outside.

Along with summer we have heard "I'm bored" at least once a day. I am thankful that we have the pool for the go to activity. It is easy for me to throw them in there and just sit outside and read while they splash around. However, along with the pool I have started to hear lots of discouraging things from the kids. They all love each other, but they don't really encourage one another. But then again I listen to the words coming out of my mouth and realize, why should they? I realized this morning during my devotional time that I have not been very encouraging to those around me that I love either.

I took the time to read some scriptures about encouragement and forgiveness. I tried to encourage myself even though I think I have been seriously slacking lately. I also took the time to write down four encouraging statements for each child. It wasn't difficult at all. I am going to give each child the handwritten note and make a point to encourage each of them.

Think about any encouraging words you may have for those in your life you love. Try to be specific and let them know how you really feel about them. It is really priceless.

Ben's Kindergarten graduation

2010-05-27T10:22:00.002-05:00

Ben graduated from Kindergarten on May 21, 2010!
He wasn't really feeling well that morning but sucked it up to graduate with the other Roff Tigers! He told everyone he wanted to be a cop when he grew up, just like all the other kids in his class. :) So cute! I can't believe he is now in first grade and he looks so old to me lately, him and Emily. No more babies!

Emily's Graduation

2010-05-19T09:40:00.003-05:00

So my baby graduated from Pre-k on Monday morning. I can't believe she is really almost 5! And that next year she will be in kindergarten. It seems like just yesterday I was holding her all night because she wouldn't sleep, and changing endless diapers. I love her so! She is my light. She and I butt heads all the time because we are almost just alike, but I love her more than she will ever know! Here are some pictures of that day. Jeannie went with us. Jeannie is Emily's favorite person in the world she follows her around everywhere. I love it!

OKAY...really...

2010-05-11T09:26:00.003-05:00

Sorry I have to give a little rant...medicine to regrow eyelashes....

Now don't get me wrong the medicine is NOT ACTUALLY the rant it is the fact the Brooke Shields is doing the commercials. NOW REALLY...does she really need to regrow her eyelashes. Am I wrong or does she look perfect the way she is?

So there it is I am jealous that Brooke Shields is going to be EVEN MORE perfect than she already is. I love her...but... REALLY?

sorry my green eyed monster is now back in its proper place just needed to share!

Tornadoes

2010-05-11T09:10:00.002-05:00

So last night we had our first real Oklahoma tornado scare. It made me thankful we don't live in a mobile home!

I found it kind of interesting but I didn't worry too much. Krystal a friend who has become like a sister to me here was freaked out. Which I found a little amusing since she has lived here her entire life seems like you would get used to it when it happens at least two or three times a year. I managed to get the kids to be calm by keeping the news in the back bedroom and a movie on the TV in the living room.

There are definitely perks to living across the street from the school. Especially when the school is he storm shelter. All we had to do was walk across the street when the sirens went off. We were able to take the dogs. The girls packed a little bag of blankets in case we had to spend the night I grabbed essentials like money and we walked over.

We sat in the hot, stinky junior high school for about thirty minutes then went back home. Everything was fine and passed right over us. We went on with our evening, watched wrestling and got ready for bed. Those boys love their wrestling. It really cracks me up because I remember watching it when I was a kid too. My dad took me to see The Junkyard Dog and Hulk Hogan, but I digress really! :)

Everyone and everything in our little town is fine. I can't say that for everyone in the path of the storm and tornadoes last night, but we came through the event unscathed. I am praying for those who lost homes and livelihood to the tornadoes.

Tonight

2010-05-08T23:00:00.004-05:00

So tonight I sit here alone in my house. I sit here watching movies and eating things I shouldn't that I will regret in the very near future, and doing the laundry. I am alone because Chris is out of town and the kids are at his mom's for the weekend. I am doing laundry because I take care of six people. I have been wondering lately who I am. Do you ever wonder who you are? Am I really the only one?

Well I don't think I have figured it out yet, not really. However, I think I am getting closer everyday. Almost my entire life has been spent pleasing other people. This is ultimately no one's fault, but it just is. I have realized lately that this alone does not make me happy. Because I never find the time to please myself. I don't know who I am because I don't know what I really want. And I feel like I owe it to the people around me to be happy.

Do I really want to please other people over myself? What defines me? Who am I? Where have I gone?

All these questions swirl around my head and start to define me. I find that I am unhappy because I am asking so many questions of myself all the time. Could it be that I am the person that takes care of people? Is that who I am? Is that okay?

What I think I realize tonight is that I am the person that takes care of everyone else. But here is the kicker, who takes care of me? How do I do both? How do I enjoy taking care of others, and still find time to take care of myself?

Time Flies...

2010-04-29T09:11:00.002-05:00

I can't believe how long it has been since I wrote a post for this blog. I have noticed that I have gained followers during my hiatus and I think that is awesome. I love that people think I have interesting things to say.

Our little blended family here in Oklahoma has really become my joy. I can't believe how much I enjoy taking care of the house and the kids. The ticket system works so well. If you need something to help your children start doing chores and giving rewards you should head over to Executive Homemaker to download and print it out. If you have publisher you can download it and customize it to meet your needs. We are using it with preschool kids through teenagers so BELIEVE me it works. Follow through is important and I am not always the best with that but I am really trying hard, and the kids are giving me some slack.

I am letting go of my perfectionism one little chore at a time. One of the keys to the system is not expecting them to be perfect. They are working hard and that is all that really matters. I am so proud of all of them.

Chris is traveling so much. He had an unplanned trip to New York this week, and next week he will be going back and probably to visit some other plants so he will be traveling all week. I am glad I have a family to be with while he is gone. I miss him so and I know he misses us. It is difficult, but I think it would more difficult for both of us if I wasn't here. He would be worried about me being alone and I would be sad that I was alone all the time.

One last thing...I even got a new follower on my other blog! I am excited about that. I need to post over there it has been awhile. I need inspiration.

New post tomorrow...it is our anniversary...another year gone by!

I am PUBLISHED!!

2010-04-14T11:40:00.002-05:00

Well yes I know that this is publishing too..but... :)
I am writing for Examiner.com head over here to read my first article. I am working on the follow-up right now! It is fun I enjoy writing about what I know...kids! :)

Monday Morning Musing

2010-04-12T10:10:00.002-05:00

Now that I am staying at home I am cleaning EVERY DAY! I mean seriously...every day! I rather enjoy it though. OMG...did I really just write that down? I enjoy cleaning the house. It takes about an hour every morning but it is simply the most rewarding hour I spend all day. I enjoy cleaning and thinking about the kids, Chris, and Jeannie while I do it. I say a little prayer for each of them while I clean up after them. I feel like it is a pleasure to keep a nice house for everyone.

We did also start a little chore system for the kids. Their behavior and lack of gratitude for the things they have had totally gotten out of hand. So we started a little ticket system to help get everyone back on track. The kids are actually LOOKING for things to do around the house so they can earn tickets, and they are getting along. As long as I can follow through with it I think it is going to work really well. I do get tired though. I need to really pray about staying the course I think.

I wrote my first article last night. I am waiting for it to be reviewed and published. I will let everyone know so you can head over there and read it.

Enjoy your Monday!

Random stuff and a couple of pics

2010-04-09T10:25:00.002-05:00

So some of you live close to me and know a little bit of what has happened in my life but some of you have no clue so I thought I would fill you in on a couple of changes that have happened in our lives.

First of all, we have moved to Oklahoma for a little while. Chris is traveling so much with work that we, me and the kids, decided to move to Oklahoma to help out Jeannie. Since I have no job and really no job prospects for awhile I am here so she can work and have a vehicle until she can afford to get one. We have all four kids living in the house and I am the stay-at-home mom that I always thought I wanted to be. I am a little bored really. It is amazing how fast I get the house work done when the kids are gone and I do it everyday. But, despite my silly complaining I am happy. I am happy I can be here for all the kids when they leave for school and when they get home. I do enjoy the role I am playing here. I feel a little guilty because I am not a wife really to Chris except on the weekends, but in reality he wouldn't be home for me to be a wife anyway. He is in Atlanta today, and leaves on Sunday for New York, Newark, and Chicago.

I have decided to only do the freelance writing stuff because the online tutoring just didn't work out with the changes we have made. Too many responsibilities with the four kids and I now keep two more in the afternoons.

Kids are both going to school. Emily is in a head start program for pre-k that she is LOVING! She gets to ride a school bus there and home and really loves the independence. I guess she is just like her momma. Except I HATED riding the bus. Ben is really loving kindergarten here in Roff. He gets to spend his afternoons with Brighton, his new best pal. I love watching the boys play and listening to them.

I am at home all day and this is what I have wanted for a very long time, but I will tell you be careful what you wish for. :) I love it but I have to start sewing again because if I don't I am going to go a little nuts I think. I have learned how to crochet I just need to learn how to read a pattern, I have been doing some cross stitch, and I have read two books. Lots of praying and trying to hear God's will. So this is my window right now. I am trying to rest in Him. This is where He has lead me for right now. I will let you know when I start doing the freelance because it is an online thing and you can head over there and be a reader, if you are so inclined.

Here are a couple of gratuitous pics of the dog. He is a worthless, lazy thing, but he sure is cute! :)

Happiness is a puppy...right?

2010-03-30T10:51:00.004-05:00

Well we needed some happiness around here so we decided to get a puppy. I know that some of you are probably thinking...HMMM does she have a brain, but really I do. Our new puppy has brought a lot of joy to our lives and some frustration as all new animals do. I am trying to housebreak him, but the kiddos LOVE playing with him, and he is SO sweet and smart! Here are some pictures for you to enjoy. :)

This is Peanut the dog we already have he has adjusted very well to the new puppy. And the puppy loves Peanut. He follows Peanut around like...well...like a puppy.

Emily took this one of me and Gunner (the puppy).

Emily LOVES the puppy. If Gunner survives her he will be able to survive anything.

The girl and her pup.

Emily, what are you doing with Gunner?
Dancing, mommy. (in the Duh voice she has)

Update

2010-03-23T15:56:00.001-05:00

So I feel like I should update you all with what is going on here in my part of the world. I am feeling better about losing my job. Every day it gets a little easier and I am not so depressed anymore. I got a call last night from a place that I applied to for online tutoring and I got offered the position which is so good because it can be done at home in the evenings. I also submitted a writing sample to do some online writing. So things are looking up in my world.

But mostly I have to remember all the blessings I have in my life. They are so numerous that I can't count them, but I am SO thankful for them. Every day it is getting better and I hope it continues that way. Thanks for hanging in there with me during this little rough patch! :)

Door closed...waiting for the window

2010-03-19T10:25:00.002-05:00

I hate to harp on what's going on these days, BUT....

I am still dealing with the loss of my job. The depression of the whole situation just hit me this week. I thought I was okay but apparently I really am not. Every day it is a struggle just to get out of bed and take my meds that keep me going. I have really never lost a job before, and especially one that I loved and thought I was doing a good job at.

I know that the feelings I am having are not true intellectually, but the depression starts to make me believe they are who I am. I am not worthless, I know that, but I am having a hard time really convincing myself.

Everyone loses a job at least once in their life right? This is just my time, right?

Where is my window? I need to find my window. I think it is in the fact that I get to finally be a stay at home mom, but this scares the crap out of me as well.

So now I am waiting for the window, but maybe I should be looking?

AND...seven weeks later...

2010-03-16T19:38:00.000-05:00

Caleb is getting out of the hospital tomorrow! YEAH! His going home party is at 11:30am at the hospital. After so much drama and lots of hard work he is finally going home. He looks great and we are so proud of him!

Focusing on the future...

2010-03-10T16:23:00.003-06:00

This afternoon I find myself focusing on the future. For once I am not lingering in the past. I am actually indulging in the present.

Monday was pretty uneventful really. I went to work then up to see Jeannie and Caleb. Tuesday, oh yeah, that was JUST yesterday I thought started like any other day. I went to work excited to do some more work with my kiddos on rocks. They have loved the unit and I was excited. Well, we had a guest in our room so we didn't really get to do much with rocks. I was kind of bummed. Then at the end of the day I was called into the director's office and asked to resign. Yes, it's true. And it is because I was sick.

It all goes back to the two weeks before Christmas this year. I had a stomach virus and I was pretty sure that I had had a miscarriage. I went to see the doctor and she was concerned and did some tests and they showed a reason to test me for cervical cancer. I never posted about this because it was all just too fresh and I really didn't want too many people to know. ANYWAY...I called work and told them what was going on and they TOLD me to take time off. Every day I talked to them and told them I wanted to come to work. I needed to get out of the house. I was just sitting around waiting for the test results to come back. It was a very emotionally exhausting time for me. I really needed something to occupy my time and mind and work would have been the perfect thing. BUT...I was not allowed to be there.

I was home for two weeks and the test came back negative, and I got a second opinion and found out it was just a very bad infection.

So now I am unemployed because of something they told me to do. Parents became unhappy because I was not there, which is understandable, but I wanted to be there. Yesterday I lost my job.

Today I went in to tell the kids goodbye. I totally lost it. I love each and every one of them so much. They all wanted to tell me about their lives since the last time we were together and I wanted to hear it. I stayed for about 20 minutes and then left. I am very sad about how everything has happened, but there is nothing I can do to change it. I don't think it is the best thing for the kids, but again it is not something I can change.

So now I am focusing on the future. What does the future hold for me and my family? How will this change things for us, and how will they change for the better? I am not lingering in the past. I did nothing wrong. I taught the kids and did the very best job possible. I loved them and their families with all my heart. I have decided that for ONCE I AM NOT GOING TO BEAT MYSELF UP! I am not going to waste my energy focusing on what if's and should haves. I am not angry about what happened, I am just sad that it happened. AND right now I am indulging in thoughts of how good the present really is.

Sunday night

2010-03-07T21:25:00.002-06:00

I am writing because I need to post. I really have nothing too important to say but I promised myself I would post more often so here goes.

I can't believe it is already Sunday night here in our house. The kids are in bed and the man is out for some guy time and I am home alone. I love having time by myself. I miss him when he is gone but being with me is good as well.

I spent today taking care of things around the house that I have put off. I might actually get the laundry done tonight and the bathrooms are clean. This is a feat for me lately I have just had too much going on and no real motivation to get anything done.

I feel like a fog has been lifted and I am finally ready to take care of a few things that have been nagging at me. I am hopeful this week will be productive. I will keep you all posted! :)

Afternoon Movie

2010-02-28T16:35:00.002-06:00

Today has been a terrific day for me and my sweetie. We started our day with brunch at Cafe Brazil...SO.YUMMY. I love Cafe Brazil and he doesn't but he took me there anyway. I love going there and getting all the yummy coffee I want not to mention the YUMMY fried sweet potatoes I had today.

We bought a newspaper and sat and read it like we had nothing else better to do. It was so fun. The art of doing absolutely nothing and really loving it. It has been way too long since we have had a morning like that together. Chris read the funnies and I read the front page and looked through the coupons!

After about two hours we left and went to the movies to see Cop Out. It was HILARIOUS! We also drank a gigantic slurpee. It was truly the best time we have had in a long time. Now back to the real world, but it is nice to have the memory of our life before kids.

Don't get me wrong our life is so much better and richer now that they are here, but it is fun to remember what it was like before they came along and what it will be like when they leave. It makes me excited to think about our life together in a few short years. I love this man.

Emily's first blanket

2010-02-23T14:21:00.002-06:00

So this morning I was reading blogs and Emily was sitting next to me. We stumbled upon one that was showing fleece blankets and a new way to tie them. Emily got it in her head that she wanted to make one TODAY. SO...we headed to the fabric store and luckily the fleece was 50% off so we found some cute stuff for cheap!

I was amazed because from start to finish this project took us an hour. I cut the fleece for her and I helped with the pulling through. It turned out so cute! She is a girl after my own heart. Now she is thinking of all the people she wants to make one for. Maybe you will even get one! :)

Favorite Blog of the Week...

2010-02-22T13:11:00.001-06:00

So I am sick today. I feel pretty crappy but I decided to spend sometime working on this blog o' mine. I have gotten a few new followers so I want to make it worth coming to the blog and looking around!

SO...here is my new favorite blog I found it by visiting IKAT bag which is another one of my favorite sewing blogs. Go take a look at Jill's blog.

Loving the Legos!

2010-02-21T21:09:00.008-06:00

Yesterday we finally had Ben's party. It turned out to be the greatest party. We didn't have as many kids as usual, but i think it was one of the best. I was able to let things go and have some fun planning and participating in the party. Last year we had the pirate party and it was loads of fun but I was so stressed. I went insane with making it perfect and it wasn't anywhere near perfect. I had lots of help from wonderful friends and as unbelievable as it might seem they are still my friends. Most of the time my husband doesn't even want to still be married to me after the party is over. BUT... not this year.

This year I turned over a new leaf. This new leaf was due to lots of different things. One of those things was my mother-in-law. She offered to help and opened her home for the party. Every year she offers her help. I have a VERY tough time accepting help from anyone. But this year I decided that I was going to let her help. Her help was the key and not having to clean my house before the party was probably the best part of it all.

The second thing that contributed to my new leaf is my best friend Jeannie. She is really getting me to see that sweating the small stuff is just pointless and it is REALLY is all just small stuff. She is one of my heroes. She has been in the hospital with Caleb for a month now and she still finds a way to be positive and move forward every day. It is not that Caleb is doing poorly it is just being in the hospital for anything for a month takes a toll on anyone. I look forward to seeing her every time that I can and talking to her as much as I can because no matter how the day has gone for her I know I will find her laughing and joking around with everyone. It really is quite amazing.

The last but definitely not the least important is my husband. In the past year he has really taken the time to thoughtfully consider how the quality of my life could be enhanced. He has worked so hard to keep us going financially so that I could quit my 70 hour week job in the publishing world to take a part-time preschool teaching position that I love. I love it and it has been great for our family. It is the best decision that we ever made and he is also one of my heroes because without him working so hard it never would have been possible. He really is a financial genius among other things! :)

Okay...enough of the sappy stuff and on to the party. I created stations again this year. We had build a bridge, Lego races, build a mini, Lego coloring, and Lego estimation. We kept everything pretty simple. I made the cupcakes and put Lego candies on top of them. We used the pirate ship that the kids and Chris finished in just a week and a half as decoration and I made a banner. Here are the pictures to show just how much fun we had! Pictures are worth a thousand words! :)

Lego Estimation

Lego Racers

Build a Bridge

Lego coloring

Mini Building

Lego Races

Really...I try not to make it all about me....REALLY

2010-02-18T16:23:00.003-06:00

See here is the thing even when life is really good and seems to be going along pretty much okay I still have an old invisible cloak that is wrapped around my shoulders all the time. This cloak is affectionately called Anger. My cloak of anger is always, always, always there. Sometimes the cloak itself is invisible and sometimes it is like that beloved cloak in Harry Potter and it makes me invisible.

The times when the cloak is invisible are my good times. The only thing I really feel is a little bit of the hood on my head. I can feel Anger surrounding my head but I can still manage to feel happiness and not strike out at everyone around me all the time.

The times when I become invisible are my REALLY BAD times. These are the times that I lose myself completely in the anger and everyone is exposed to me at my complete worst. I used to blame everyone and everything for my anger, but I take full responsibility.

I take meds that help me with the angry feelings that I have, but some of them still break through. I have been having some really bad days lately.

I am trying to get it under control with exercise and good sleep, but I HATE exercise, and I am not a good sleeper. I can sleep a lot, but I never feel like I have rested at all. I mean never. This is not an exaggeration. I have night terrors and when I wake up from a full night's sleep I still feel like I need to sleep about 12 more.

But everyone looking into my life would say...things are good, why are you so angry? That's a really good question. Why am I so angry? Why can't I let things go? Why does this cloak continue to hang over me and my entire life?

Well, I know the answer to why I am angry. But how to let it go is as elusive as that pot of gold I have been searching for at the end of that rainbow. Do I really love my cloak that much? Am I scared what life would be like without the cloak around me?

Snow, Snow, Snow!

2010-02-17T14:13:00.003-06:00

Can you believe that last Thursday we got about 7 inches of snow here in North Texas? It was amazing. I realize that some of you live in places that get this kind of snow on a daily basis all winter long and I truly envy you.

I love snow. I love watching it fall, I love playing in it, I love looking at it on rooftops, but the thing I truly love is watching my children as they watch the snow. Seeing the pure joy in their eyes as they run across new fallen snow. Does this happen when you get snow every day? I hope so because it is the best!

Since it is Texas we got two days off for the snow. And I will tell you there is still snow sitting around today in yards and some snowmen still standing, but most of it is gone.

We took some pictures of the kids, but the most beautiful scene was on Thursday night when the snow had stopped falling and the light from the moon was reflecting off of the beautiful new fallen snow. I couldn't stop looking at it. I think that some part of heaven has to have new fallen snow at night with a full moon. It is probably the most lovely thing ever. Enjoy the pics of the kiddos!

The Boy Wonder's Sixth Birthday

2010-02-08T14:21:00.003-06:00

The Boy Wonder turned six last week on the 3rd. His party is coming up this Saturday along with Valentine's day parties and the like. I think I am the craziest person on the planet right now. I am trying to plan the party for his class, get things ready for my class' party, planning last minute details for his party, making cookies for Emily's class party. What exactly was I thinking????

The Boy Wonder has become a Legomaniac! I mean complete and total maniac! His party is a Lego themed party, go figure.

So we decided that we would get him a set of Lego's that he really wanted for his birthday. I drove to the Lego store at NorthPark to pick up the gift the day before his birthday. Yes, I know this is a recipe for disaster, but do you remember my list of things for this week, well it wasn't any shorter last week. :)

ANYWAY...I go to NorthPark and I ask the Lego guy in the store if they have the $80.00 pirate ship. (the smaller one) And wouldn't you know it...they are sold out. YUP...sold out. Hmmm...who would have thought that there would be a run on Lego pirate ships the first week of February, but GO FIGURE.

He politely tells me I can order it online and have it shipped directly to my house and I say I don't think that is going to be possible because I need it tomorrow. He then politely tells me that they have the bigger pirate ship, which by the way is $180.00.

Sighing I pull out my cell phone and call my Legomaniac husband and ask him what I should do. I mean if it were up to me I would just some other Lego set and that would be it, BUT I know Chris will have an opinion, and I was sure I knew what that opinion was going to be.

We spent thirty minutes on the phone with me walking around the store and telling him what types of things they had and their prices. All the while I knew what the final verdict was going to be. FINALLY, when I told him I really didn't have all afternoon to spend in the Lego store he says to me, just get the big one. I KNEW IT!! I could have just saved myself some time and bought it in the beginning, but no I had to make the call.

So that is ALL we got The Boy Wonder for his birthday this year. And wouldn't you know it he opened it and said...is this all I am getting??? Gotta love kids! :)

Here are a few pics from the morning of his birthday...more to come after the party!

Emily and Vincent Van Gogh

2010-02-08T13:55:00.004-06:00

Two Friday's ago Emily learned about Vincent Van Gogh. I know this not because I asked her teacher or looked at her teacher's lesson plans, but because she told me all about it. Normally when I ask Emily what she learned in school each day she says I don't remember. This is very frustrating because I know she learned SOMETHING, right? Anyway this is how the conversation in the car went on the way home.

E: Mommy, I need to paint my room.

M: You need to do what Emily?

E: I need to paint my room. It's homework.

M: Really? Do you mean you need to paint the walls of your room, or that you need to paint a picture of your room?

E: NO, mommy, just a picture of my room.

M: Why?

E: Because we learned about an artist today who painted his room. He was very sad mommy, he cried all the time. And he had a brother and they argued all the time then his brother he went away. This made the man even more sad. He got so sad mommy that he cut his ear off. He painted a picture of himself and of his room. Then he painted this picture called Starry Night and I think it looks very sad.

M: (listening very intently because this is fascinating to me) Wow are you talking about Vincent Van Gogh, Emily?

E: Yes! That's it mommy! Avery and I want to paint, and I have to paint a picture of my room to show Ms. Caroline. Do we have paint?

M: Yes we have paint, but we don't have the right paper let's stop and get some.

E and A: Yeah!

E: It's such a boring rainy day! I can't wait to paint.

I was so blown away by her memory of the lesson. She remembered details and she had an opinion about the artist and his art. I think Emily might be my little artist. Lord knows that she is emotional enough! :)

Here are some pics of the girly girls painting their pictures that boring, rainy afternoon!

Super Quick Update

2010-01-28T14:15:00.003-06:00

The surgery went really well. He looks so good, but is in a lot of pain. Please keep praying because they have a long road ahead of them. When he is ready they are moving him to rehab for three weeks. That means being in the hospital for at least a month if not longer. But he seems to be doing okay and so does mom.

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers! Keep them coming! :)

Life can be impossible...

2010-01-24T08:54:00.003-06:00

In the middle of everything I have noticed that life can be impossible and unfair.

My best friend has two kids, Katie is 10 and Caleb is 13. Caleb is currently in the hospital awaiting surgery on his spine on Monday. Caleb has a condition called Dystonia which affects his nervous system and he is unable to hold his head up without his hand and his posture has been severely affected. On Monday they are going to put rods in his back to give him some relief and hopefully straighten out his spine. The surgery will last 8-10 hours.

I find myself trying to figure out what I can do to help my friend and her son. Everything that I can think of doesn't seem like it is enough. Food, diversions for the hospital, and taking their laundry to do just doesn't seem like enough.

They have had to make lots of impossible choices and decisions. I pray that I can somehow be a help in this time of need, and that the Lord would make me a blessing their lives.

If you pray please pray for Caleb and Jeannie and pray hard. They both need it so.

All this time...

2010-01-20T16:18:00.002-06:00

When I started working part-time I imagined myself with all this time in the afternoons and being able to keep up with everything. WELL...here I am six months into the part-time thing and I feel like I never get anything accomplished. I feel like I am running in circles most of the time. I haven't really figured out how to manage my time efficiently enough to get the things I want to done.

Then there is the depression...I realized the other day that I was very depressed. Where did that come from? Why hadn't I realized before that I wasn't doing well? Why can't I just be normal and keep it together?

So here is what I have decided for today...are you ready?

Today I am going to do one thing...just one thing not a lot of things. I am not going to go crazy. I decided I would leave school when the kids were gone and go grocery shopping. After grocery shopping I went to put the food away and decided that maybe I needed to one more thing...clean out the fridge...then the pantry...

So now I have done three things and I want to do more in a crazed manic cleaning spree...BUT...One thing right...one thing for today...

Just when I think...

2010-01-14T16:26:00.002-06:00

Just when I think that I can't see God anywhere in my life, He shows up and lets me know he is still there and cares about me.

I have been feeling so far away from God lately. I know that this is not His fault, but my own. I know if He is far away I have moved, not Him. Sometimes knowing this does not help you feel any closer though. Has anyone else ever been there?

Tuesday morning I was lying in bed trying to make myself get out of bed. It was hard because I was snuggled up all warm and cozy next to my husband who was snoring away. I didn't want to get out of bed at 5am I just wanted to lay there and drift in and out of consciousness.

All of the sudden a head peaked over the side of the bed at me and said...

"Mommy, can I get in bed with you?"

Well the rule is after 5am they can get in bed with us, so looking at the clock and knowing it was nearing 5:30 I told him yes he could get in bed with me.

Ben snuggled up next to me and I continued to drift with him there beside me. All of a sudden he grabbed my face and said the following:

"Mommy, you remember when you prayed for me to have better behavior yesterday?"

"Yes."

"Well, I know why it didn't work."

"Really, why?"

"Because I am in control of me not God."

My heart completely melted.

"Yes, son that is true. But God is there to help you, lift you up, and encourage you to do the right thing if you listen with your heart."

"Oh, I didn't know that. I thought He was going to keep me quiet."

I laughed to myself at that mental picture. Because anyone who knows my son knows that God would actually have to gag him to keep him quiet.

But after my laugh I got up out of bed and went to do my devotional. I felt God's presence right there for the first time in months. He really was there. He was helping me, lifting me, and encouraging me to do the right thing. And maybe just maybe letting me know that the hard work I was doing with my children was making a difference.

Christmas Eve

2010-01-11T14:14:00.005-06:00

We go to Grandma Cullum's on Christmas Eve. The kids were in heaven when they saw all the presents under the tree. We could barely keep them contained until after dinner. Here are some of the pictures from that night.

The tree before.

My beautiful Emily.

This kid never takes a straight picture anymore. This is the best shot I got of him out of like ten.

Sibling bliss?

Emily got her first Barbie this Christmas. We went from zero to eight in less than 24 hours. And I will tell you that they were all naked in less than two hours after she got them.

Barbie clothes? Seriously? Who needs those? And a Transformer for Ben.

Back at our house getting ready to open the traditional pajamas.

Princess pj's for her and Bakugan pj's for him.

Tired Mommy...what is missing is all the pictures of naked butts that were taken in between opening the pj's and getting them on. This is me just waiting for the kids to settle down and get dressed.

Winter wonderland. It was snowing like crazy while we put out the reindeer food, I am not sure any of it landed on the lawn for the reindeer.

Cookies, cocoa and a sweet note. Who could ask for anything more?

Santa please come see us soon! :)

Beauty

2009-11-11T14:01:00.002-06:00

Today I am in awe of the beauty around me. Emily and I left school early today to meet the garage door repairman and got home about noon. I was lost in thought about all the things I needed to accomplish this afternoon.

All of the sudden I looked up and saw all the leaves that had fallen on the street. They were yellow, orange, and brown. The branches of the trees were heavy, laden with the leaves still yet to fall. It was so beautiful I almost stopped my car. I wanted to take a mental picture so I could remember it.

I said to Emily, "Look at all the leaves on the ground!"

She said, "I see them mommy. Aren't they so beautiful?"

"Yes, yes they are."

I often wish I could paint or draw. I so wanted to sit outside this afternoon and paint the leaves and the trees. Their fall colors are beautiful. Our weather here has been beautiful for about two weeks. Such wonderful fall colors shining in the sunlight.

What a wonderful creation we live in. I just want to stop and thank God for all the beauty He has given us. Enjoy your day wherever you are and whatever you are doing. Know that God has created this wonderful world just for us to enjoy.

Halloween 2009

2009-11-01T19:12:00.006-06:00

As is our tradition now...The Beck's and the Thielman's came over for trick-or-treating last night for Halloween. We did not get a picture of Mark David with all the other kids before going out. I am very sad about that. But we got one with him decorating cupcakes after we came back. This is our fourth Halloween to go out with Mark David and second with Lilly and the boys. All the kids got tons of candy. I burnt the pizza, but we all had fun and I don't think anyone really noticed but me. :)

Before trick or treating

Better before picture

Doctor, doctor, doctor....and a princess

Griffin showing us his light stick

The girls discussing the merits of pick light sticks.

Griffin and Elijah...oh my goodness they are big!

BFF's

Everyone leaving with their booty.

Decorating cupcakes

Emily and Lilly decorating cupcakes

More cupcake pictures

Boys eating their icing and cupcakes

Loving the icing!

Yummy!

BFF's

Look I got, Lissa!
Griffin loved his lollipops, he would not let them go! :)

Elijah spent most of his time running and screaming! So cute!

The Pond

2009-10-28T20:11:00.005-05:00

Sunday we decided to walk to the pond. The kids had a lot of fun, and Ben ended up falling in the pond. The pictures are in reverse order...but you will get the idea just start from the bottom of the post! :)

Ben and Jeannie...quite possibly his first real crush. :)

The boys looked for frogs the whole time. They were the cutest little frogs ever!

Ben and Brighton looking for frogs.

Ben, Brighton, and Braden looking for frogs.

Emily walking around trying to get dirty.

Ben, Brighton, and Braden looking for frogs on the rocks that I am sure Ben is going to fall off of. He finally did fall after he had been alone on the rocks for about five minutes. He was a good sport though and just kept playing.

Ben going to catch up with the boys after Darren scared him under the bridge.

Kids and Peanut going to play by the water.

Boys running with the dogs to the rocks where they found lots of little frogs!

Pumpkin carving

2009-10-28T18:59:00.004-05:00

We visited our friends Jeannie and Darren. We decided to carve some pumpkins on Sunday before we left. Here are the pictures. Enjoy! :)

Darren cutting open the kid's pumpkin

Ben and Emily helping Darren clean out the pumpkin.

More pumpkin cleaning with Darren watching.

More cleaning, now with Jeannie helping.

Kids have now given up and are letting Jeannie clean out the pumpkin. Oh and Ms. F was paying us a visit over the weekend too.

Now Brighton has come over to help clean out the pumpkin. This really only lasted a minute or so before they were all bored with the pumpkin cleaning and they just decided that it was clean enough. :)

Emily drawing the face she wants carved onto the pumpkin. It is an interesting interpretation of a traditional Jack-O-Lantern.

Here is Ben's side of the pumpkin. We did not get a good picture of the side I carved for Emily but it was interesting! :)

Emily's First Day

2009-09-19T13:56:00.003-05:00

These are pictures from Emily's first day of school. I know this post is late...sorry. :(

Where have you been?

2009-09-16T19:10:00.002-05:00

I had a friend call the other day and say...Where have you been? Well right here, I said. But I realized after the conversation that I have not really seen anyone for weeks. I haven't talked on the phone to anyone but Chris to say could you pick up something from the market or that I would be late. I haven't posted to my blog, I haven't cleaned my house, and I haven't done much of anything else.

Where have I been, what have I been doing? I am not sure. Do you ever have times like this? You know that you have been doing stuff and running around like an idiot but...where have you been?

Then I realized that probably the Lord was thinking the same thing. The Lord is wondering where have you been? You have not been meeting me for coffee lately. You haven't been reading My Word lately, you haven't been seeking My counsel lately. Where have you been?

I know that my friends will wait for awhile for me to come back, but I know the Lord will wait forever. Here's the kicker though...who will I make wait the longest?

2009-08-26T20:49:00.003-05:00

For Emily's Birthday her daddy bought tickets to the circus. We had such a good time. I didn't get many pictures because it was a little crazy, but here are the few that I did get. We got there early and went down to meet some of the performers and get their autographs. We took a few pictures with them as well.

Ben's First Day of School

2009-08-26T20:28:00.004-05:00

Monday was Ben's first day of Kindergarten. I was very sad, he was little nervous, but we both did really well. I managed to drop him off without crying, but started crying as soon as I was in the car driving to work. So sad to see him growing up so quickly! Seems like just yesterday he was born and I was holding him in my arms for the very first time. It is unbelievable to me how fast the time goes!

Getting ready to walk out the door.

Daddy and Bubba

Ben and Mommy

Bubba and Sister

Bubba outside his classroom.

Benjamin sitting at his desk.

Flashback Friday

2009-08-21T07:28:00.004-05:00

Hey you guys! I am starting to REALLY want to come back...seriously...I am...
I know you have heard it all before...but...:)
Here is a flashback for ya to help you get ready for my return...

Two years ago in October we went to Sea World for a family vacation. We had so much fun! Enjoy a few of the pics!

Wouldn't take nothing for my journey now...

2009-08-12T09:31:00.002-05:00

This is a quote from Maya Angelou, and most days I feel this is very appropriate for my life. I find as I look back even five years that I am a different person. I almost don't even recognize her when I see her in pictures. This could be because I have gained and lost a few pounds in the last few years, or the fact that my hair style change a bit every once in awhile, or it could be that I have grown.

I like to think I have grown, matured, become wiser, and all those other wise adult things to say. I was walking this morning in my favorite little green belt by the kids' school and thinking that my life is really pretty great. Recent events have reminded me that I am truly blessed.

As I talk through the last three weeks, I am amazed at how much you can see God's hands in all that has happened. If this opportunity had presented itself at any other time in the last five years I would have had to turn it down. Perfect timing. God has perfect timing, and He knows where you should be, whether you believe it or not.

No matter where I have been, or where I am going I know that God is always right beside me being the perfect Father that I need Him to be. He is leading me through this journey of life, and I will tell you....I wouldn't take nothing for my journey now. No matter how hard it has been or is going to be in the future. It is my journey, written only for me.

Craziness...

2009-08-05T09:15:00.002-05:00

So the last week and a half has been down right crazy! We have been going non-stop, and the transition from one job to the next is also a little crazy. My last day is Friday, and my first day is the 17th. Ten days in between. Lots to do...lots to think about...

All of that was to explain my lack of posting. I need to post, I love to post, but I am just too dog gone tired to do it. Soon I will have lots of free time, yeah right, so it should be easier for me. Those of you who follow my other blog, my goal is to finish up the story I am working on next week and start a new one...SO lots of post coming for that.

Love you all...will post soon...I promise...don't give up on me! :)

Flashback Friday...or not so much...:)

2009-07-31T07:37:00.005-05:00

SO...this is a flashback...but to Em's birthday party...

She had her party at Pump-it-Up...I am still sorting through the 100's of pics that her daddy took...but here are a few and more about her birthday soon!

I became the favorite slider of the day...so much so I think I went down the slide with every kid at the party, AND I got a blue streak on my butt!!!

We had so much fun!!! I really did enjoy putting on my socks and playing with the kiddos! Thanks to everyone for coming and I will get thank you's out soon, and more pics to come!

God is Good and other random things... :)

2009-07-29T17:08:00.002-05:00

So...are you ready for my news????????

Drumroll please....
I got a new job! A part time teaching position at a private preschool! I start on the 17th of August, and my last day in the publishing world is August 7th! I am so excited. I feel like this is a gift from God. I have been praying, along with everyone I know, for a way to be home more and still bring in some money. I have been praying for God to be VERY specific with how it is going to happen. In the past two weeks he has made it VERY apparent to me what I need to do. It seemed like everything really started happening after I shared my secret/story with all of you here. Could that have been what He was waiting for me to do? Tell the world so to speak, come clean, and be truthful? I am not sure. But I can tell you that I feel forgiven. I feel like I have been set free, ladies! Truly set free. Not just from a situation that is less than perfect in my work life, but truly SET FREE!

He has taken off my chains, and He has set me free! I am so thankful! I can't tell you how much my heart is rejoicing, every minute of every day...now the trick is to keep this feeling.

Someone told me once that God will have His way, you are either living in plan A or plan B. I feel like I have been in plan B for a long time. A VERY LONG TIME....now maybe I have come full circle back to plan A and now I can attempt to stay there for awhile.

Now on to other random pieces of business...Vickie...I have not forgotten your dress.... and Kristi I will send you your giveaway stuff in the next day or two...I am finally able to focus on my blog, my business, my Bible study that I lead, and my life....YEAH! Please forgive me for not posting for so long...tomorrow will be about Emily...her birthday was Monday and I have yet again won the mom of the year award for not posting about her on her birthday! YEAH me! I don't know where I am going to put all those awards I am running out of room on my mantle!

Remember Me?

2009-07-24T09:11:00.003-05:00

Well, I think I am ready to come back and get started on this stuff again. I made it through the week and now I am waiting on answers. I am sorry to be so cryptic about all of this, but please know it is nothing bad. I am just not ready to tell the world about it yet until final decisions have been made and we are moving forward. It is very exciting and I can hardly stand it that I can't tell you, but for once I am going to do what my gut tells me to do. That gut is hardly ever wrong! :)

Here are a couple of gratuitous pictures of Emily. She is turning 4 on Monday, I can hardly believe it! The first year seemed to take forever, but every other year has just flown by! Ben is starting kindergarten in 4 short weeks! Then in a year she will go too. They are just getting SO big! They are not my babies anymore.

Okay...sniff, sniff....let's move on! Emily had dance camp with Lilly this week and I have a few pictures that I can share with you. I only got to go on Monday because Ben had an eye appt and got his eyes dilated. I took the day off after the dilation and he and I went up there at the end of the class, and then out to lunch with Tracy, the girls and the twins. Five kids is ALOT with two toddlers running around! Anyway...here are the pictures...

MIA

2009-07-21T13:04:00.002-05:00

So I totally suck, and there is just no other way to put it. I have not posted since I put up the giveaway...that totally bombed, but I know that has something to do with exposure...right? :)
Anyway I have been wrestling with some serious personal issues. Nothing like I have been posting about, but serious none the less. I will fill everyone in very soon, but please just pray for me to have God's wisdom and love. Thanks everyone, I will post soon. I have several in the works just no mental energy to get it done. Sorry! :)

GiveAWAY!!!!!!

2009-07-15T20:46:00.002-05:00

So I was intending to do this earlier in the day...but it did not get done. I have been really tired today and grouchy tonight! The picture is not great, but it is cute!

I made a new item for the store and I thought I would give one away before I put them in the store. I made a business card holder. Now you can have a business card holder, tissue holder, checkbook holder, and a wristlet that all match! And who doesn't love to match!

I am giving away a business card holder and a tissue holder.

Here's how you can enter, only two chances this week!

1. leave a comment telling me what you think about it

2. tweet about the giveaway, or get a friend to come by and comment (for those of you who do not tweet!) :)

Giveaway ends on Friday, July 17, 2009!

hmmm....ready for the next installment

2009-07-15T18:04:00.002-05:00

Okay, so after many many many phone calls and heartache, I finally get the CPS cased closed and then expunged. By this time it is almost July. Emily's birthday is coming up. Year one is almost over and I can't believe it is almost done. We start planning her first birthday party.

Oh, I think I forgot to mention that we saw the pulmonologist and found out that she has asthma due to her hemorrhage when she was born. He starts her on meds and it immediately begins to get better. She does get pneumonia once more this year, but we are able to deal with much easier. Things begin to look up for us on the health front. I feel like a horrible mother because I should have pushed more in the beginning. I mean, duh, right????

As we are planning the party at our house, I am falling deeper and deeper into the abyss of mental instability. And we are falling deeper and deeper into financial instability. I begin the paperwork to cash out my teacher retirement to get us out of trouble and put some away. And I begin counseling and medication. I was starting to realize that there was something truly wrong with me. Even though I was seeing a counselor I was not honest with her. I am not sure I was honest with anyone during this time, not even myself. I was living so many lies that I am surprised I could keep them all going. My rock bottom was coming and fast. I was hurtling toward the earth at break neck speed.

My rock bottom happened right after Emily's birthday party. Chris decided that he was tired of living in the dark about our finances once and for all. OH SHIT...what was I going to do? I really only had two choices...either stay and come clean, or leave. I actually contemplated leaving. The more meds I got into my system the more I realized what I had been doing, and wondered what the hell I was thinking. I hoped that my teacher retirement would be enough to get us out of trouble. I had also hoped that it would come before Chris found out, but, no such luck.

There are threats to leave from Chris, and offers from me. He begins to sort things out and see just what kind of mess I have gotten us into, and so begins his path to grace. I am continually amazed at how much grace he extended me when he did not have to. When I think about it now I wonder how we ever survived.

He was so angry at me, and for good reason. I had lied to him so many times. I wondered how he was ever going to trust me again. Were we going to make it through? Well, we did. That is the short version. The long version is that we are still healing from the damage that I caused with this. My husband extended so much grace to me that within a week of finding out about all this and sorting it out he told me that he forgave me. Told me to stop beating myself up and move on. He loved me and that was all that mattered. I have spent the last four years punishing myself in lots of different ways to try and make it better, but punishment didn't help. You see I think the worst of it was that he was able to forgive me. I wanted him to get so angry with me that he left. Then I would be justified right? Then all the things I had been "preparing" to do would have worked out. But he was able to find grace. Grace that I would have never thought possible for another human being to extend.

Is everything perfect for us, not by any stretch of the imagination. Do we still fight about money? Oh, absolutely. But, are we stronger than ever? YES. God walked with both of us through all of this. He was there even in the depths of depression and psychosis for me because we could have been in a lot worse trouble when he finally took control of our situation. He was there when Chris found out and kept his heart from becoming as hard and cold as a stone. I could be living in a war zone, but instead I am living with a man that loves me so deeply and completely that he is able to forgive me. Does he insist that I take medication? You betcha! Is that okay with me...ABSOLUTELY.

Tomorrow I will post about other wonderful things that God did in the midst of this situation. So, now all of you know my deep dark secret. I feel better letting it out, and I know the Lord had some purpose for pushing me to tell all of you. I can't wait to see how he works all of this out for good.

Favorite Blog of the Week

2009-07-14T13:41:00.002-05:00

So this week my favorite blog is Spirit Jump! If any of you are looking for a ministry...this one would be awesome. I think everyone should take a look, that is all I am going to say. It is powerful! I mean REALLy powerful!

Have fun! :)

here we go again....

2009-07-14T09:30:00.003-05:00

So the nice ladies from CPS walk across the threshold of my beautiful home...not! I offer them a seat and something to drink all the while wondering WTF? Yes...I used the F word. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what they were doing at my house. Did someone actually call CPS on me? What did I do wrong?

So the younger of the two, who obviously did not have any kids began talking to me like I was an fin idiot. She ask me how Emily was doing, and all the niceties like I had invited her over, but you could hear the condescension in her voice. The older of the two ladies, who obviously had children, was talking to Ben. They were both taking in their surroundings. I apologized profusely for the crumbs all over the living room floor and nervously told them the story of what had happened earlier in the day with the bread, which I offered them some, and having to work during nap.

The conversation continued and the younger woman asked me how my PPD was. And informed that the social worker at the hospital was worried that I might hurt my children. WTF???? the woman that I spent all of two minutes with? She told me that this woman noticed that I was really stressed and I had mentioned that I had PPD.

OKAY...now you tell me...if your six month old child is in the hospital for RSV and has not slept for the past six months would you not be a little stressed? PPD or not? AND don't the majority of women get some sort of PPD? REALLY, SERIOUSLY? You see this still pisses me off to no end. If she was so efin worried about me why did she not just come back and hang out with me? Make me feel a little better? See if there was anything, like food, that she could bring to me. Because did I mention that getting food at that hospital when you can't leave the room is a bitch? YEP....they make you buy meal tickets, DOWNSTAIRS...how are you supposed to do that when your child is upstairs and there is no one else in the room with you?

Anyway...I totally digress....

She asks me if I need help. OKAY...another absolutely stupid question. WHAT MOTHER doesn't need help? What mother wouldn't love to have a live in maid/nanny that does it all so she can get 9-12 hours or glorious sleep a night? Can anyone tell me this? So I said yes I would like help, but that we could not afford help. Then she proceeds to tell me about a volunteer organization that would come and hold my baby while I sat and watched. Wow, this is helpful. Hold my baby, awesome...give me some of that kind of help. I am trying really hard at this point not to throw her right out of my house on her ass. But can you do that to a CPS worker? I really don't know.

They stayed a bit longer. I actually liked the older woman. Would have liked to have a real conversation with her. Then as they were finishing up I was asked to provide them with references. The kids school, their pediatrician, and five personal friends who could vouch for me. WHAT? Now I was going to have to tell my friends about this visit. PERFECT!! So I give them all the information that they ask for and they say bye to me and the boy wonder and touch Emily. I wanted to smack both of them now. Don't touch my child without asking. I don't know you and you don't know me.

So they leave and I sit down on the couch by the phone with my list of friends to call. Damn it. I call my friend Andrea first. She is SO pissed. She can't believe that someone would have actually called CPS and that they would have asked for the references. She had just had Jack and was home on maternity leave and her mom was there. Her mom was even incensed about the whole thing. This made me feel better, because if you are honest with yourself even if you are the mother of the year, if CPS shows up at your door you begin to wonder what you have done wrong, and if you should have your children taken from you. Of course this really only lasts for awhile then you just become so freakin angry again. I called all my other friends and told them what was going on, the pediatrician, and the school. SHEESH...those were embarrassing phone calls. But everyone reacted the same, so by the time I was done I felt a little better. When the workers left they said they would be back. So now I would just sit and wait for them.

One of the teachers at the school came over that week to give Chris and I a break. And I went out with my friend Andrea that week as well for a glass of wine. Both were heavenly. I heard nothing else from the CPS workers except a note left on my door one day when I had taken Emily to the doctor to get her cleared to go back to school the next week. So you figure it is over right? WELL...think again my friends.

I hear nothing from CPS for months. Then sometime in May I think it was I get a call from the director at the school and she tells me they have been to see her, and they divulged information about my case that they should not have. They actually told her that I would not except their help so they could not close my case, AND that they had made several phone calls that I had not returned. LIES...LIES...LIES...i had had no return phone calls or visits.

Attorney time. I call an attorney to find out what I need to do. I call the case worker's boss and leave a message. I call the caseworker herself, btw that is the young one. I have to resort to sending a letter to tell them to close the case. Cases are supposed to be resolved within two months, and it had been more than two months by this point. Not only did I want my case resolved, but also my record expunged.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch. I was still being covert about money. I was still letting it all fall apart. But I had decided to cash out my teacher retirement and that would pay off the debts and give me some extra cash when he did leave. Yep I still really believed that he was leaving. If you have never experienced this feeling you have no idea how real this is. You TRULY believe what your mind is telling you, and in your mind you can justify it all. Now if someone asks you to actually talk about it then you start to see the flaws, but most of the time you just gloss over those.

next episode...

2009-07-13T10:58:00.002-05:00

So we find out that Emily does not have leukemia just some weird infection thing that never really showed up. I believe that we had divine assistance in this matter. Everyone we knew was praying and praying hard for us. The Christmas tea went off without a hitch, thanks to Tracye and her mom, and things seemed to be status quo for just a little while.

Christmas came and brought with it a severe headache for Ben that landed us in the ER with him. Emily seemed to be doing "okay". She still wasn't really sleeping, but things did seem a bit better with her. Ben told us he had a headache on the evening before Christmas Eve. This messed up our Christmas eve plans, but everything turned out fine. We found out he had a sinus infection after a CT scan, and a very long day in the ER. Poor baby.

Christmas day came and we enjoyed it as a family. I was somehow able to hold things together enough to have a good day. Then right after New Year's I began planning Ben's second birthday party.

During this time I took out a loan and stashed the money. This was a small loan about two grand and stashed it. I did not tell Chris about the loan or the cash advances on the credit card that I had taken out. He had really begun pressuring me to take the finances back over, but I saw this as a way for him to take all the money and leave, because truthfully wasn't that what I was essentially planning?

I kept simmering and seething on the inside about everything. This just fueled my psychosis. Everything that he did just caused me to sink further and further into the abyss. However, it was not his fault. And I was told that it really wasn't mine either, but I believe differently. I believe that if I had swallowed my pride and taken my anti-depressants I would have been able to avoid these issues, but....

We had lots of explosive fights over sex and money. The two biggies. We began trying to refinance the house because we had an ARM so we wanted to get out of that. He found out that my credit was off, but didn't really know why so we had to refinance in his name. This further fueled my mental state. Now everything was in his name. Until the refinance the house had been in my name because of him graduating and not having a job yet. Now I didn't even have that. Both cars were in his name, my name was not even on the title. Now the house was in his name and my name not even on the title.

We made it through Ben's birthday party extravaganza, and somehow made everyone believe that everything was fine with our marriage, and me. I am not sure how his happened really. By the time Valentine's day rolled around we were not speaking to each other because of money issues. We were sinking further and further, and I was so far down that I am not sure I would ever resurface. I very rarely had coherent thoughts anymore.

Then on the 15th I worked from home and the daycare called in the afternoon. Emily had had a little cold, but nothing real serious, or so I thought. Stephanie called and said that Emily had "rails". I had no idea what this was and she explained that it was so hard for her to breathe that you could see her ribs every time she took a breath. And that if I didn't come get her they were going to have to call an ambulance...OMG...like I wouldn't come get her. I went immediately and headed straight to the doctor. Our pediatrician was not in the office so we saw the other doctor. He called Children's and told them we were headed there. So we took Ben to grandma's and headed to Children's. He was afraid that Emily had RSV. SURPRISE...when we got to Children's we found out...yep...she has RSV.

That night began our four day stay in the hospital with RSV. It was horrible. We watched them suction and suction and suction stuff out of her lungs. While in the hospital we were visited by a social worker, which is par for the course in a "free" hospital. She spent all of two minutes talking to me and then had to leave. I did not think another thing about it. She never returned to our room.

When we got home we visited our pediatrician to hear that maybe we should go see a pulmonologist. REALLY...you think? I was getting a little fed up and bitter by this point. I loved her, but come on.

So the appointment for the pulmonologist was made for the first week in March. The church called and meals were set-up for us, and friends began calling to bring us support and food. I felt a little more in control of myself when I was at home with the kids that week.

Tuesday after nap the doorbell rang. I thought it was someone from church so I opened the door. Now let me tell you what my house looked like. I had fed Ben some banana bread before nap as a snack and he had ate it at his little table. There were crumbs everywhere. I had to work during nap so as soon as I got them both down I went straight to the computer to work while they slept. I knew Emily would really only give me about an hour.

Okay, back to the visitors. I opened the door to two women that I did not know. Jehovah's Witnesses went through my mind, but no I could only BE so lucky. One of the women introduced herself as Ms. So and So from CPS. WHAT DID YOU SAY? CPS? Really....she asked, can we come in? Well, sure...house is a mess...but come on in.

That's it for today...gotta keep you guys on the edge of your seat, right?

Should I do a flashback?

2009-07-13T07:45:00.003-05:00

I feel like my posts the past few days have all been flashbacks, but here you go...a gratuitous flashback picture of the kiddos... :) The first one was setting up and it is just funny...the second is really cute I think....

Happy Monday...next episode in a couple of hours! :)

Next episode...

2009-07-12T12:27:00.002-05:00

I called everyone involved with helping me with the tea and let them know what is going on. That if Emily got worse or if we heard a positive on the prognosis that I would not be there for the tea and that someone else was going to have to run the show. So we went through days of waiting and waiting. I finally found the paperwork from her visit to the NICU.

I began to scour them and look up all the words and terms on the paper. As I read it over and over again I realized how stupid I had been. Why hadn't I read all of this when we got home and forced myself to understand all the medical terminology. I am not usually a hide my head in the sand kind of gal when I am presented with problems, but that is just what I had been doing all these long weeks. And I am not going to say that I didn't a little later on in this story, or that I don't occasionally do it now, but I was not going to do it anymore when it came to my child. Someone was going to listen to me, and someone was going to help us.

The paper said that we should have been expecting this all along. It told us that Emily had a condition that caused her to have too much blood in her body. This condition was often the cause of childhood and adult onset leukemia. The condition is called Polycythemia anemia. It often occurs in babies but is usually cleared up with a "blood letting" before they leave the hospital, but Emily's had needed more than one and held one, or so it said on the paperwork. It also said on the paperwork that there was a 60% mortality rate for babies that have a pulmonary hemorrhage when they were born. Yes, I finally read what had actually happened to her, a pulmonary hemorrhage.

So Emily and I sat in my house for days waiting on word from the doctor. She called every day, we went to the office every day, tests, calls, prayers, and tears. That is what our life was like. Then on Friday the doctor called with news that the first preliminary culture had come back negative. But we weren't out of the woods yet. So I decided that I would go ahead with the tea and do what I needed to do.

As all of this was going on I was able to coherent for most of the time. Having to protect my child somehow pulled me out of the psychosis for a bit. Somewhere in all of this I completely gave up the nursing Emily. I gave up the pumping and the nursing. However, I did not go on the antidepressants either. You see, I was better now. Right? I had somehow been able to do the things I needed to do...

Giveaway Winner

2009-07-10T09:34:00.003-05:00

I am so excited because I had more entries this time...hopefully next time I will have even more. Thanks for participating and I will have another giveaway next week. I want to make this a weekly thing! :)

*Drumroll* The winner is: Vickie!

The numbers generated by this widget come from RANDOM.ORG's true random number generator.

Next episode...

2009-07-10T08:41:00.002-05:00

I think these are going to turn into "episodes". I can only write a little at a time and I am not sure if I can finish all at once. :)

That night was especially stressful. Emily did not sleep except on me, which by this time was not all that different than any other night really. But I did not sleep at all and worried myself to death. I worried that I would lose her and how was that going to affect me and the family. Finally the sun came up and the night was over.

I found that I dreaded the night. The night was when I was really unable to keep myself and my thoughts under control. The day I could function and I could make everyone believe, or so I thought, that everything was okay and under control.

At nine that morning we are the doctor's office. Sitting in the chair waiting for the the nurse to call us back. One thing about Emily she got really used to going to the doctor. Still to this day she will go and hardly make a fuss at shots and they can poke and prod her and she will just sit there and endure the whole thing. So she was quiet in the office, as usual. No one saw what we were seeing at home. No one saw her be inconsolable. No one saw her cry for hours and not stop, even if you were holding her. Was I crazy? These were the thoughts going through my mind as I waited.

The nurse finally calls us back and we go to "our room". It was uncanny, but we were always put in the same examining room. The pediatrician comes in and sits on her stool. She is very concerned and quiet. I can tell she is trying to figure out how to tell me what she needs to tell me.

"Melissa, I am not sure you know what an elevated red blood count means or not, but it is really indicative on one thing. We are concerned that Emily has leukemia."

WHAT? LEUKEMIA? What? Immediately the tears begin to roll down my face and very soon I am a complete and total blubbering mess. The pediatrician remains calm and tries to console me. We are friends after all. She puts her arm around me, but nothing helps. I finally get myself under control enough to listen to what she has to say.

"I want to do a few more tests to rule some other things out while the culture is out. It will take seven days for the culture to come back and give us any definitive information. But she could have a UTI that she is just not able to tell us about so I am going to do a test for that, and we will take some more blood and I want you to come back each day and lets take her blood and keep an eye on her counts. Also, I want to warn you that if she gets a fever you must take her to the Emergency Room. I will meet you there, but she must go immediately. If she starts showing the signs of the infection in her body it could be bad."

By the end of this speech I am numb. I can't cry anymore which is amazing because most of the time that is all I do. So I consent to the tests she wants to run on Em and we begin. If you have never seen a baby get a catheter, this is something that you want to avoid like the plague. I am telling you that it is quite possibly the worst thing I have ever had to endure in my entire life. Including unmedicated childbirth, kidney stones, gall stones, and the like.

As you can probably imagine, the tests come back negative. We know before we leave the office that morning. I resolve to go home and find that hospital paperwork and scour it for any reason this might be happening to us. And I must go home and figure out where we are on the tea and what's going on.

On the way home I call Chris and then Tracye. I tell them both what the doctor has said and Chris has almost no reaction. This pisses me off. To no end. How can you hear news like this and have no reaction. Then I move from pissed off to real white hot anger. How could you let me go through all this alone? How could you make me hear this news all by myself and then when I call you and tell you, you have absolutely no reaction? But...I said none of this. I just added it to my reasons why he was going to leave, and started to simmer. You see we could not be in the same room with one another without eventually screaming at one another. It was around the kids we would hold off until they were in bed. But, the screaming match would commence. And OMG...we were good at it. We had been married almost 12 years by this point and lots of bitterness and resentment can build up over 12 years.

In the midst of all this I was in charge of our finances. YEP...that's right crazy woman in charge of the money. How could anything go wrong there, right? I was a freakin disaster looking for a place to self-destruct. Because one thing I am not good at, is money. I can fake it for awhile, but in the end I am just not good with it. This is because I don't really care about it. I can live with it or without it. Either way, my life can be good. That is when I am sane, and take meds and am not possessed by some other evil force. During this time, I was not sane, I did not take meds, and I truly believe that I was possessed by some evil force. I would not let Chris know what was going on with our money, and we weren't really making it. I was paying some bills but not others. I was stashing cash away for the time that he left me. We were paying outrageous medical bills. I took out a cash loan to have extra money. I was spending it left and right. We ate out every night, pharmacy bills were eating out lunch. I really could have used some help from the financial genius who lives in my house, BUT.....remember me? So most of our fights were over money and him not having a clue what was going on in our finances. I could not admit to him that I really had not clue either.

Okay this is it for today...I can't do anymore. This brings up so many feelings for me that I just can't put away easily. Now on to other things in my life. Life is good really good for me and our family. We have our struggles like everyone else, but we did make it through this. I think that is what I am supposed to see here. We made it, and really it lasted only a very short time. It felt like forever when we were walking through it, but, in retrospect it was only a year of our life. One year. In the grand scheme of things that is not much right? But it is bittersweet because I also realize that we wasted a year. That I wasted a year of my life, Emily's life, Chris' life, and Ben's life because I was too prideful to ask for help. I didn't want anyone to know what was going on inside of me. The war that was being waged in my mind was something that I felt like I should keep quiet. And of course I had to hit rock bottom before things would get any better. I am not sure I can keep writing to tell you how I hit that bottom, but I will try. This part of our story, right, and the blog is called the story of us, right?

Part 4 of Our story

2009-07-09T09:28:00.002-05:00

I don't want to bury the giveaway so make sure you scroll down to find it. I hesitated to post this until after the giveaway...but that would be copping out right? Hmmm...I wonder why I decided to start the giveaway yesterday.... :)

Anyway...if you are reading this scroll down to the very next post and enter to win the giveaway...

So here goes today's installment...sit down and you might want to grab some tissues...or maybe that is just me. :)

So we give Emily the reflux medicine for about a month with really no improvement. I know something is really wrong, but I feel like I keep hitting a brick wall, and some days I want to really hit that brick wall with my car. Every time we get in the car to go anywhere she screams the WHOLE time so mornings on the way to work are so much fun for me, and afternoons on the way home. Poor Ben is being neglected by me most of the time, but not daddy. For this I am becoming very resentful. I really want to spend time with Ben and hold him and kiss him. The only time I really get to spend time with him is at bedtime. I give him a bath and read to him. I miss his sweet kisses and his loving nature. He by the way seems no worse for the wear. He is a very resilient kid. I imagine by divine design. The Lord knows the plan, and you don't. This is further proof of this. He gave us Ben first for a reason, but I will expand on that later.

Do you remember those papers I put away when I came home from the hospital, well I go searching for them. I have to search for days because as you can probably imagine housework was the absolute last thing on my mind. During the search Emily gets some weird infection. She is sick. You can tell she is sick, but there is no fever, and no outward signs of illness. The first thing that goes through my mind is damn it, not again! Sorry, but I am being real here, right?

So I leave work early and take her to the doctor. The doctor and I were already friends, but now we are becoming almost like bff's. I see her every week. We are planning social events together and she is offering to take Ben with her son to do different activities. I must have looked really pathetic, or seemed like someone really cool. But, I am thinking I know which one it was. ;)

The doctor decides to take blood. So we go to the lab and they draw blood. I am so used to nothing really being wrong that I am ready to leave and get the boy wonder something to eat and wait on the call from the doctor to tell me it is nothing and stop dreaming up reasons to come in and see her.

I stroll the kiddos back over to the office and tell the office staff that I am going to leave and the nurse comes out and says...She REALLY wants to talk to you...can you stay?

I tell her politely that I have to get Ben some food and nurse Emily, because by this time every one is cranky. Even the boy who never gets cranky is starting to lose it. The nurse tells me that she will call me in 30 minutes. So I leave with the kids a little worried, but not too concerned really. I have done this so many times before and the phone calls are always...Melissa, nothing is wrong she is fine, do you need to go out for a drink. I am not kidding. Really I am not. She was so worried about me, and so was everyone else who came into contact with me even if they didn't say it.

The pediatrician called in less than 30 minutes and said I have some bad news and I really need you to come into the office tomorrow so we can discuss it. *Insert Panic here* Now I will tell you this is NOT what you want to hear from the doctor. I inquired as to Emily's prognosis and she told me that here white blood count and red blood count were off, and a serious cause for concern. Especially since she was not exhibiting any outward signs of infection. She said we could discuss more in the office the next morning but there were more tests she wanted to run. So I place a very tearful call to my boss and tell her once again I would not be into work the next day, and maybe not the rest of the week.

Oh did I mention that the Christmas tea was the following weekend? This happened the week before the tea. Yep that's right the week before.

This is where I will end for today. Please know that I do not want any one's pity. I feel the need to share my story. And I will tell you all the wonderful things that have come from this story before it is over. Because even though there are terrible things to come, there are also wonderful healing things that I never would have experienced if I had not walked through this trial. And I will also tell you that God is Good....He is Good.

GIVEAWAY!!!!!!

2009-07-08T11:57:00.004-05:00

Okay...so I am having another giveaway...hopefully i will have more entries this time... :)

I am giving away this...

So I am going to give you a chance to have four entries....

1. leave a comment here by Friday, July 10, 2009

2. Got to my etsy shop...www.missilea.etsy.com and heart my shop

3. tweet about the giveaway to all your friends/become one of my followers on twitter

4. send a friend...if you send a friend and they comment i will give you a fourth entry, and they will get an entry!

SO...if you do all four things you get four chances to win this VERY CUTE dress...also please make sure I have some way to contact you if you win! SEND ALL your friends! AND I will make sure it is the size that you want so no worries about that!

Emily's Story part 3

2009-07-08T09:19:00.002-05:00

I am calling this Emily's story, but I realized this morning that it is my story too. It is helping to write this down even if it was four years ago. I don't think I have processed it fully in these last four years. It has only been very recently that I have come out of the dealing with Emily fog. And, please don't think I say that with any bitterness. I LOVE MY CHILD...dearly...I would never trade her or any of this for anything. Because of all the things that I am writing about, she and I have a DEEP bond that I never would have had otherwise. I have a deep bond with Ben as well, it is just really different. Emily is my girl, she is my precious little girl that slept with me almost every night for two years, and on my chest for 18 of those months. I resented her for a time, but what I have come to realize is that I did not resent her, but God. But I will get to that. This is just a small disclaimer because I do not want anyone to think that I don't feel truly blessed by this child every single day of my life.

Now that that is said...let's get on with the story...

We left off with Emily at 12 weeks old. So if you haven't guessed yet that at 12 weeks old things did not magically change. I was slipping deeper and deeper into my depression, and I had to go back to work. I had been working most of my maternity leave, because that is just the way it goes in publishing. But, now I was required to go back into the office for about eight hours a day, and be coherent and do my job. So Emily went to school and I went to work. Nights grew increasingly worse because there was absolutely no time to catch up on my sleep. And I should fill you in on all the things I was trying to do as well.

I was on the Women's Ministry Board at our church and one of my responsibilities was to plan our only outreach for the year which was the Christmas tea. And now I know what you are thinking...WTH???? But stick with me here...you remember me control freak who can't give anything up or let anyone down? Yeah well if you forgot there is your reminder. ;) So Tracye dedicated herself to helping me with this monumental project. And without her I would NEVER have been able to pull it off. I actually should not even say that I pulled it off, I should say that she did. I did my fair share yes, but she pretty much planned it and pulled it off. She is forever my hero. I will never be able to thank her enough or really express my complete and total gratitude.

So newborn, 18 month old, husband, working, and planning the Christmas tea/brunch. Under normal circumstances this is a lot and anyone who decided to do it would be crazy, but these were not normal circumstances by any stretch of the imagination.

This is where things start to get really difficult. If you can't tell that I have been stalling, I have. This is the part that I keep hidden, deep down in the depths of my soul. I hold there and never let it out. I always worry about what is going to happen when I let it out and it just seems like I will die so I keep it hidden. So if I keel over writing this you will know why. :)

At twelve weeks I took Emily in for a check-up and told her pediatrician that things were not any different. She still wasn't sleeping and when you did lay her down to sleep she would sleep for maybe twenty minutes before you could see her wake herself up. She looked like she was in pain and uncomfortable. I kept endless notes and logs about her. I was literally going crazy, certifiably crazy. I was living off about three hours of sleep a night, some nights no real sleep at all.

So the pediatrician told me to take her to get an upper GI to see if she had reflux. So we headed to the hospital and they did the upper GI, and yes of course she had reflux and it was affecting her lungs. SO...now reflux medicine in her milk. Okay, so this helps, a little. We are both so very sleep deprived, but I am somehow managing to make it to work and get something done, plus be a mom. But here is where the honesty starts to come in...not a wife.

This is also the part of the story where my PPP or Post Partum Psychosis begins to creep in. I somehow decide that Chris is going to leave me, and in my brain I begin to plot how this is going to happen, and I'll be damned. He is NOT going to leave me, and if he does he will have nothing...I MEAN NOTHING...no kids, no money, nothing, and I would have what I needed...right?

My brain became consumed with these thoughts all the time. I didn't know where they came from, and when my head would clear I would wonder what was going on. My coherent moments were few, but they were there and I would make a pact with myself to keep them and to stop the preparations I was making. But then, they were gone. I couldn't hold onto them anymore than you can hold onto a wisp of smoke. They felt like they would just float through my fingers.

Okay...this is all I can do for now. I know some of you who know me actually know what is coming next. If you can believe it things with Emily actually get worse, and I continue to get worse as well. It seems like a lifetime ago, but still so real to me. Chris if you are reading, which I am pretty sure you are not, I am sorry, you should probably skip this unless you want to relive the whole thing over again, sweetie. And I have to say my husband is saint material. I don't think there is anyone out there who could love me more. We have our moments, but I love him and I know with every fiber of my being that he loves me. As I finish up this story in the next day or so you will see just how much he loves me.

Part Two of Emily's birth story...

2009-07-07T09:29:00.002-05:00

I won't continue to chronicle her life every day until her birthday, but I thought I would at least finish what I started yesterday. It is still VERY difficult to remember her first 18 months of life. But for some reason I am feeling like I need to write this down.

Emily was in the NICU for seven days. The first four days because of her lungs, and the last three because of jaundice. She was literally glowing. When you see the pictures from yesterday you will notice that I am holding her with a lighted blanket. If you took her out of her warmer you had to keep the blanket on her. Her little eyes were kept closed all the times because of the lights. I had a very hard time looking at her. I remember thinking the whole time that I just wanted my baby to come home with me.

The day I went home from the hospital I cried the whole way home. Then I had to go into the bedroom where her bassinet was and I almost passed out. Of course I felt like no one understood what I was going through at all. Everyone around me seemed to have healthy babies. I had to call my mom because I couldn't drive since I was on pain meds for my gall bladder. She came up that evening and the next morning we started going up there every day until she was out.

Every day I would try to talk to the doctor about what had happened, why, and what the long term prognosis was going to be, but I never got an answer. I kept being put off. Then came the day to go home. We went through our exit class and were told that they wanted us to stay in the NICU one night with her. So we went home and got all our stuff and my mom and I stayed with her. Our very first girl's night!

I loved putting her diapers on away from the watchful eyes of the NICU staff. They had been watching my every move since she had been admitted to the unit. And if you don't know me very well then you might not know that I am all about control. Unmedicated births of my children had way more to do with control than it had to do with how the meds affected them. That entered into it, but if I am honest with myself I KNOW the real reason.

So the next afternoon we were on our way home, FINALLY. Her first ride in rush hour traffic...UGH! Then when we got home she was a perfect baby...seemed just fine. I put the hospital paperwork away and decided that I didn't need to read it. She was fine now, right?

We had three weeks of bliss...then the fourth week things began to really change for her. I noticed she wasn't sleeping at all. I mean AT ALL...I know you are all saying...that is the way newborns are, but the kid slept MAYBE three hours a day. And when I say a day, I mean a 24 hour period, not during the daytime hours. And she was ALWAYS unhappy. ALWAYS.

Of course I had done this before so I took her to the doctor, totally frazzled. Our pediatrician, a good friend, God love her, told me she thought I might be having a hard time adjusting to my second child. Please don't think I blame her for anything, because I don't. It is hard to know when everything looks fine. She also told me that Emily had colic and that when she turned 12 weeks old that things would be fine. I just had to make it through the next 8 weeks. I kept protesting, but she was sure, so I believed her.

So we somehow survive the next 8 weeks. I start getting a sitter to come and relieve me one day a week so I can get out of the house. My friend Tracye started really taking care of me. She would call every day sometimes two or three times a day. She also came and took Emily for a day away from the house and brought her back after dinner. I would NEVER have survived without her. I began to slip deeper into post-partum depression and a little psychosis. I didn't want to take my anti-depressants because I wanted to nurse her...yes I was holding onto this in the midst of everything else. JEEZ...the silly things that are important to us. I HAD TO BE SUPER MOM...right?

So the eight weeks pass with VERY little sleep for me or Chris. Things do not get better. But that is the next part of the story. It gets better I promise...tomorrow's post will probably be the worst of it...but please keep reading. I feel the need to post this and tell anyone who is reading. The Lord is leading me through this.

Fashionista

2009-07-07T09:12:00.001-05:00

Here is my fashionista...modeling my new product for the store! I made three last night they are so easy to make and fun! I am thinking of having a giveaway...what do you guys think???

Favorite Blog of the Week

2009-07-06T08:55:00.002-05:00

Okay so you remember that I was going to do this on Saturday's? WELL.....not so much!

My favorite blog of the week this week is a scrapbooking mommy blog. She is great and a follower too! Go take a look at her blog she has some cute scrapbook layouts, but other stuff too! Click on her button over there on the side!

Have a great Monday! :)

Flashback Friday (On Monday...hmmm...)

2009-07-06T07:07:00.002-05:00

Four years ago today I was very very very pregnant with Emily. I was discussing with my midwife, Susan, the possibility of delivering Emily early because my gall bladder was about to explode and I could not keep any food down. I was MISERABLE, and to top it all off in a few days our air conditioner would go out and I would have to be the one to meet with companies to replace it. Before she would finally come we would have spent a couple of days in a hotel, about a week at Chris' mom's, and I would have been to the hospital for pre-term labor and gall bladder issues twice.

Then on the morning of July 26th I would go into the hospital to be induced only to find out that I had been labor all night. I didn't know because I was taking pain medication to be able to survive the gall bladder pain I was experiencing. My mom drove up to be with me for the day and my midwife spent the whole day with us during labor. Chris helped me through the pain with hypnosis. I walked the halls endlessly, sat on the birth ball, and did countless other things to manage my pain. FINALLY at about 11:30pm she decided that it was time to come out. I pushed about seven times and out she came. No stitches, nothing.

Now let me tell you if you don't already know, when you have one healthy uncomplicated birth, you really expect that the next one will be exactly the same. She was out about five minutes and it was clear that there was something wrong. These pictures are in the wrong order, but if you scroll down to the bottom you will see what we saw when she came out. She was whisked away to the NICU and the longest seven days of our life began.

When Emily came out she took a VERY DEEP BREATH. This caused all the capillaries in her lungs to burst and newborns' blood does not clot. So she just kept bleeding. From the outside we could just see that she was purple and she had this very weak cry. Susan told me that she was just not adjusting well so they were going to call the NICU and take her up there and we would see her soon. Well, when I got to my post partum room they came down to tell me that I could go see her. We walked to the NICU and were greeted by pediatrician on call and told that it was a freak thing and they were still trying to stop the bleeding.

We were terrified and spent the next few hours just looking at each other not knowing what to do. We had never even considered that our baby wouldn't be healthy. Then to make matters worse the surgeon came down about 7:00am to tell me that I would be prepped for surgery. OH YEAH, my gall bladder had to come out, I had totally forgotten. So Chris had Emily and me to worry about. So I went into surgery and everything went fine. I was in and out so quickly. After recovery we were allowed to see Emily again. They wheeled me down there and we saw all the tubes coming out of her. It was almost too much for me to take. They explained that she was stable and they were still sucking blood, but that she had stopped bleeding and they were going to have to take out some blood, and give her a transfusion most likely.

They sent me home two days later, and I was devastated. How could I leave my baby in the hospital? Then I started going up to the hospital everyday and pumping to feed her. There is much much more to the story, but that is enough for this post. These pictures show you her first few days of life. It is hard to remember, but since her birthday is coming up I thought I would try. I was also inspired by My Sister's Keeper that I saw last week. Ever since I saw the movie I have been thinking about how lucky we have been. It has not felt lucky most of the time, but we have been SO lucky! More tomorrow....

Red, White and Blueberry Skewers

2009-07-03T08:10:00.006-05:00

First of all, let me say that I admire all the mommies out there that have more than two kiddos. Second, I want to thank Marie over at Make and Takes for her post about this wonderful, mostly healthy, snack for the fourth of July. It totally saved me last night!

Now for the post...hehe...

Last night I had five kiddos all by myself at my friend Cher's house. I had her two, Spitfire and Destructo, a.k.a. Cadence and Christian, who are 5 and 2. My friend Karon's little boy, Mark David, and my two the Boy Wonder and the Princess, a.k.a. Ben and Emily. Cher picked mine up from school to play for awhile before I got there and I picked up Mark David so his parents could have a nice anniversary dinner. The kiddos played and then we ate dinner. After dinner Cher snuck out to go see a friend for a couple of hours and I set up our dessert/snack. I have to say it was a BIG hit as you will see in the pictures! I never could have imagined it would go over so well. I am putting fruit on skewers more often. They ate way more fruit than marshmallows. I was amazed!

Cher had cautioned me to not give Destructo a skewer just some fruit. But I decided to let him try it, and he did GREAT! he loved putting the blueberries on and then pulling them off and eating them. He has great fine motor skills. And he didn't even poke anyone or try having a sword fight!
Spitfire putting fruit on her skewer.

Mark David concentrating on putting his fruit on the skewer.

Everyone working hard and smashing some blueberries...

look at my pattern...

Yummy...I can't wait to eat this one.

Look at mine, mommy!

Mark David making his yummy skewer...

FINALLY, we get to eat!

Look at mine!

YUMMMY!

YUMMY! Mommy this is the best idea you have ever had!
*beaming mommy*

Look at the boy wonder chow down...and Destructo was reaching for another blueberry to put on his skewer!

Mommy, that blueberry was a little sour...

Can I make another one?

OH MY GOODNESS

2009-07-01T11:55:00.002-05:00

I just noticed that yesterday's post was my 200th post! And I have not even been up and running for a year! YEAH! I am excited. I have a post about the cool cards I got from Jeannie over at Queenie Jeannie's, but I have not had a chance to take a pic yet. You guys are going to love them! I can't wait to show you!

Go check her out. I have been trying to put her button on the side since I had her at the favorite blog of the week, but IE sucks. It won't let me do it for some reason!

Enjoy your day and thanks for reading and celebrating my 201st post! :)

Conversations with a three year old...

2009-06-30T19:11:00.002-05:00

E: Mommy, can i paint?
M: No
E: Well...can i play with playdough?
M: No
E: Well...can i have a tattoo?
M: No
E: Well...what can I do then? Just play with my toys?
M: Yep...or color, or play a game with your Bubba, or put your babies to bed since they are all over the living room...
E: AWWWW.....

Did I mention...

2009-06-29T13:39:00.003-05:00

that I HATE ROACHES???? Well I do. I am not scared of them I will kill them dead the minute I see them, but there is a story from this weekend I forgot until I was out to lunch with a friend today recounting our crazy weekend.

I was bathing the children before church on Sunday and Princess Emily did not want her hair washed so she was screaming at me. Oh how I LOVE that. It makes me feel so especially cheerful about church. ;)

So I had washed them up and Ben was out of the tub in a split second when I said everyone out. So I pulled the plug and I heard Emily start SCREECHING. I mean that blood curdling screech that every mom is familiar with. That one that will wake you from a dead sleep even if you were dreaming of Justin Timberlake, or is that just me? :) or make you come running from one side of the house because you are SURE that the other side is burning.

So I turned around expecting to see Emily sprawled on the floor with blood spurting out of your mouth or something, thinking that she had slipped getting out of the tub. But no she was in the tub still...hmmm...what was going on.

Upon further inspection I noticed the BIGGEST roach I think I have ever seen, and I grew up in Houston so I have seen some big ones, but this sucker was HUGE. He had jumped out of the drain when I pulled the plug. So I grabbed Emily as quick as possible because that is horror movie stuff in our house. Because you see in the six years that we have lived in our house we have NEVER seen a roach. NEVER, and let me tell you that is the way I like it. A home with no roaches is the home I want to live in.

I was a little frazzled because Emily was escalating and I needed to get her calmed down so I called in Chris. I know I sounded like a CRAZY woman because I needed him to come and take care of it. He comes and says what it is just a roach...men!

Silly Songs

2009-06-29T09:46:00.005-05:00

We had a very busy weekend, there is so much to report. I should save some, but I have a little time this morning waiting for an update to our technology site that I am just going to do it all right now!

Sunday night Ben decided that he wanted to write a song while daddy was playing the piano. We love to listen to him play the piano for us. Mostly Beatles songs. Anyway, I digress. So Ben and I sit down on the couch and start composing his first song. Of course Emily had to join the fun when daddy was done playing she had him write hers. Ben's makes a little more sense, but they are still a little crazy. But I applaud the effort. It is difficult to write anything and Ben has become very prolific in his writing. The only help I gave him was to tell him how songs are usually organized with the verses and the chorus.

Nightbird of Day
By Ben Cullum

Day falls to night
But I'm not fright

For think of the things our in that world
I will love it

So I am a nature traveler
For the things I will like

Trees and butterflies
Sprouts of flowers

Day falls to night
But I'm not fright
Since where time
I'm going to tell you I'm a nature traveler

I search for bumble bees and wasps they won't be mean to me
I'm still a nature traveler

Day turns to night
But I'm not fright

So I am going to warn you...this song is VERY silly...

Sally Hot Dog
By Emily Cullum

I love you, Jesus
But you need to cover your mouth when you cough.

SHA-SHA-SHA-SHA-SHA
WA-WA-WA-WA-WA

So what I'm not a salad.
I'm just a hot dog.
I'm not a baby or a guitar

SHA-LEE, SHA-LEE, AH AH AH
I have freaky eyes
LOO-LOO-LOO-LOO-LOO-LOO-LOO

I love you butterfly
I love you towelie
I love you Caty
I love EVERYONE!

So can you tell that we have been listening to lots and lots of SO WHAT! by Pink lately? I am telling you I have been nominated for mom of the year, I swear! ;)

Painting pirate ships

2009-06-29T07:22:00.004-05:00

Remember when I told you that Chris took the kids to make pirate ships at Lowe's? Well here they are at the newly cleaned kitchen table painting them. They were so excited to paint them after nap on Sunday!

Emily is not mad, just concentrating!
Ben new exactly how he wanted to paint his ship, starting with the canons. Those HAD to be black. I had to search and search and search for black paint.

hmmm...where is the brown going to go?

Emily went right for the pink, purple, and yellow...such a girly girl!

hmmm...just the right color....

What daddy? I am concentrating!

The top HAS to be red!

Aerial shot thanks to daddy!

When they dry I will take a picture of both of them for the "after" shots. I think the painting was much more fun for them than the actual finished product!

Craft Corner

2009-06-29T07:19:00.003-05:00

This weekend was very productive for me. Chris took the kids to Lowe's on Saturday to make pirate ships, then to the library and lunch. They were all gone for 3 hours! WOO HOO! So I decided instead of cleaning the entire house that I would begin working on organizing my room so that I have a place to put my crafty stuff for my business. This has been a source of contention between the two of us for awhile now. I had taken over the kitchen table with fabric and various supplies strewn around the room. It was starting to get to me as well, so it was time to take action. I found I was unable to focus on what I needed/wanted to do next. So I began by dreaming, then came back to reality and made due with what I have. I now have my kitchen and my bedroom back with a little craft/sewing corner. It was a two day project so I didn't get anything else done over the weekend. AND I was EXHAUSTED last night and went to bed by 8:45!

So this is my dream from Ikea, but it is $369.00 so I will have to keep dreaming on that one. I did go over to my friend Tracy's on Saturday night and she had two tall armoires that were glass front that were only $150, but I couldn't find the on the website. I will actually have to make a trip to see those. Oh and there are no "before" pictures...no one needed to see that!

That trunk is full of material but if you look close you can see my ribbon in a Rubbermaid box. I really want to do something else with this, but right now this is what I had, so I made it work. Also I have not seen that portion of the sewing table in months...now I can actually use it to work. I also found tons of batting that I didn't know that I had...I won't need to buy that for awhile!

So I found a plastic shelf lying around that I had not used so you can see that I used that for my fabric. This is not ALL of my fabric. I still had to put lots of it in Rubbermaid tubs. Some of it is under the bed, and some in the garage, but it is organized and labeled now. At least I have all my Christmas fabric in the same tub, and the orphan quilt blocks that Chris' mom found in Granny's house are in their own tub. I finally decided what I am going to do with those...stay tuned for that. Also I made a current projects basket. That is what you see there in front of the shelf. I have them stacked in the order I am going to do them. Then I can just carry the basket to the kitchen to begin the project and stick it back in the basket if I am not finished.

So here is a picture of the fabric folded up. Wow, that is what took the most time. Folding all the fabric and then putting like pieces together, because I have a tendency to buy more of what I like. I have a good stash, but one day I will take a picture of my mom's sewing room and you will see a stash. She could almost open her own fabric store! So I guess I come by this honestly. You will also see my fat quarters in a tub on top and ALL my thread in my container, but I want to get a new one of those as well. I like the wooden ones that hang on the wall, but this is what I have for now. I also organize my little sewing box with sewing machine parts.

Here is what it looks like from my husband's side of the bed. He thinks it is a HUGE improvement. And I agree, hopefully, I will get something to make it even better soon. My birthday is coming up....hmmmm....

Favorite Blog of the Week

2009-06-27T10:05:00.006-05:00

I am going to try and do this on Saturday from now on. That way it can run for a week and it is easier for me to keep track of. I was doing in on Wednesdays, and apparently that is just not good for me. :)

The blog this week comes from someone who started following me on Twitter. I am loving Twitter, btw. I am posting about my business and general fun things. I am starting to get a little following and that is fun! :)

Okay, so back to the blog! This a mommy blog and I just started reading it this week, but I LOVE IT! They do little webcasts like Mom It Forward and I can't wait to hear one live. But they also archive there on the blog so you can listen later...LOVE THIS!

The blog is called 24/7 Mom, go check it out!

UPDATE
use the button on the side because for some reason the link is not working from the text, but the button does! :)

Flashback Friday

2009-06-26T07:15:00.004-05:00

Owen's Farm August 2007

Emily had just turned two and we had had a VERY unusually cool summer. If had rained and rained and rained. It kept raining until about October that year. This is also the year that my car was caught in a flood in our parking lot at work. So these are pre-minivan pictures. ;)

We decided to meet our friends the Thielman's at Owen's Family Farm. This is THE Owen's family that makes the sausage. Their farm is here in Dallas just right down the road from the kids' school. Chris remembers taking field trips there when he was a kid. The kiddos all enjoyed feeding the animals.

Waiting on Karon and Mark David in the car.
Crazy kid!

After we got our animal food...watch out here we come!

Emily was fearless...she LOVED the animals even the bull!

Uh oh, those goats are hungry...

Listening to Bubba tell her something about feeding the animals.

Trying to coax the chickens or ducks out...

Brave girl...

Ben and Mark David posing by the old milk trucks...couldn't get Em to join

She was a tired little girl and just wanted her daddy...look at those cheeks! YUMMY!

The Many Hats of Ben....

2009-06-24T18:13:00.002-05:00

So I swear every time I looked up on Sunday at the game the boy was doing something else with his hat...

Rough Riders

2009-06-24T06:20:00.003-05:00

On Father's Day we went to a Rough Riders game in Frisco, Texas. The Rough Riders are the minor league team for the Rangers. It was a work function for Chris so we got tickets to a double header, hats, and food all for free! YIPPEE!
But, then we got there and it was HOT! We got there in the middle of of the first game because the kids took a nap, and ended up staying through the entire second game. We were thankful there was food because it gave us a place to cool off for awhile during the break between games. We had lots of fun and Ben entertained us all with his many styles of hats. I will have another post completely dedicated to the many hats of Ben. Emily really liked the game. She watched and whenever we said "Are you ready to go, yet?" She would say, "No, I want to see more baseball!" Loved it

Father's Day Crafts

2009-06-24T06:13:00.005-05:00

I know this is late, but this is my Father's Day post. For Father's Day I gave Chris an appointment for a massage, and some free time at home. So Saturday morning we sent him off to see the massage therapist and we started working on the gifts for the kids. Earlier in the week we had gone to Mardel's to pick out something for the kids to make for him. The kids picked a plastic cup and a mug. They were so excited to be able to decorate these for their daddy. They really wanted to make him a plate, but mommy was a little bit too late to do that. After I read that you had to send it off for the company to make it into the plate for you. Oh well, maybe Christmas? So here is the photo story of the kids making their presents for their daddy. Who, by the way is the best daddy in the world! :)

Getting the markers ready

Coloring the inserts for the cups....

Really concentrating on doing a good job...

Look at that coloring, his fine motor skills are getting so much better!

He really wanted to do a good job....

Look at that pencil grip! Her fine motor skills have always been really good. Do you think it is because she is a girl? I don't know.

This is what we are going to put the inserts into.

Still working...

Finally done...crazy kids!

Love you daddy!

After we finished our crafts we headed over to the Chatmon's for the afternoon. This was daddy's alone time. We played with Addi and Jack in the giraffe pool and on the swing set. We had lunch and watched Nemo, then we headed home. Mommy managed to get a rockin' sunburn that has now turned into a rockin' tan! I love that about my skin...but the skin cancer could be a problem later. I did put on sunscreen, but apparently the sun was just too strong. Kids did not get burned, and Emily is now rockin' a pretty nice tan as well. Ben is like his daddy, not tanning for him, but he is getting a nice dusting of freckles across his nose. Cathryne and I enjoyed watching the kiddos play, chatting, and "laying out". Reminded us of college! HA!

Favorite Blog of the Week

2009-06-22T15:11:00.003-05:00

So...the favorite this week does not have a button, but you will get the idea with the link...

She is sew awesome! Yes I said "sew". For those of you who do sew you are going to love her ideas and tutorials. For those of you who do not sew you are going to love the ideas you get for things to ask me to sew! LOL! Just teasing! I am having a blast sewing things for all my friends lately. They are so supportive and are trying to find very uniques ways to help me feel successful. I don't know what I would do without all of you! :)

The blog is the ikat blog. Go check her out! :)

Flashback Friday

2009-06-19T08:50:00.002-05:00

So this flashback has nothing to do with the kids. It has to do with me. Yes I know you are shocked to think that I could actually just write about me, huh? LOL!

Anyway...this time last Friday (that is a flashback right?) I was laying in bed wishing that I could just crawl in a hole somewhere because of that kidney stone, at least that is what I thought. I found out on Monday that it was also a REALLY bad infection as well. So, this flashback is a little bit of an update to my condition.

So I have been on antibiotics three times a day since Monday and I am finally feeling like myself, and back to 100%. I also did a ton of research on kidney stones, infection, and failure. I found out more than I ever wanted to know about the kidneys and how to really not take care of them at all. I think most of us neglect these organs. After reading about them I don't know why we do except maybe because we have two??? So we figure that if one gives out we always have another one, right?

Well, this is true to a point, but if one gives out you are still going to have to have some medical intervention and it could be pretty significant. So I decided that I am going to try and take care of these precious organs. Did you know that there are three different kinds of kidney stones? And that each one is caused by something different? And that if you eat lots and lots of sugar (me) that it can cause the pancreas to produce too much insulin and that insulin can cause stones? And that eating lots and lots of animal protein (me) can cause you to have stones as well? And did you know that it does not matter if you are underweight, a healthy weight, or overweight that you can get kidney stones and have kidney failure?

WELL...all of these things are true, and I am sure that some of you did not want the Public Service Announcement, but this post is as much for me as any of you. I need to be held accountable. I have given up processed sugar, half the red meat that I eat, and sodas. I have also added in lots more water. I am trying to drink about a gallon a day.

NOW...let me say that I am also taking some vitamins and supplements to help as well. Calcium supplements are crucial for all of this. I have always had a deficiency so this will help me in lots of ways. And the time that I take the calcium is important for absorption otherwise I will be wasting my time. I need to take the calcium with my meals for proper absorption, but some people need to take it between meals.

So now back to the flashback...I never want to forget the incredible pain that I was in last Friday. Not because I am a martyr, but because I want to have motivation for the changes that I am trying to make. Here are a list of the changes that I began this week:

No processed sugar
Reduction in animal protein
Calcium supplements
Exercise daily (OMG...this is the hardest one...)
Increase in the amount of water I drink
NO MORE SODAS, ever....(yuck, ick, i hate this one)

Now I need every one's help...keep me accountable. I plan on writing an accountability post every once in awhile, but ask me about it. Hear and when I see you...most of you who read this on a consistent basis I see or talk to quite often! :) Although I love my stalkers! LOVE you guys!

I will tell you that I feel a difference. I feel great. It has only been three days, but you know what...I don't miss the sugar or the sodas...I am starting to look forward to the exercise again...and water is not that gross...right??? :)

If you can spell...

2009-06-17T12:23:00.002-05:00

So this is the conversation that Ben and I had in the car the other day...

B: Mommy, I can spell poop!
M: Really...well let's hear it.
B: *insert giggling here* p.o.o.p
M: Oh my goodness you can spell poop! You know if you can spell poop then you can spell loop.
B: *insert more giggling* l.o.o.p
M: Awesome...if you can spell poop and loop you can also spell snoop.
B: *almost falling out of his seat giggling* s.n.o.o.p
M: Perfect...you know if you can spell poop, loop, and snoop then you can spell scoop.
B: *almost unable to talk because of giggling* s.c.o.o.p
M: You are such a good speller! *insert giggling of my own*

Teachable moments people...that's what is all about right?

Giveaway Winner

2009-06-12T11:08:00.003-05:00

The random number generator chose #1 so the winner is Jeannie!

Thanks to the three of you who commented! Those of you who didn't I will be holding another giveaway soon! Come back and comment, and comment often! :)

Jeannie...send me your email so we can convo about the crayon or marker roll that you want! missi_082872@yahoo.com

Just when you think....

2009-06-10T16:11:00.002-05:00

Just when you think things are going along pretty well...things are crazy but good...you get slammed, right?

Well, this is exactly what happened to me yesterday. I had not been feeling well for a few weeks, but it was totally manageable and I couldn't figure out what it was. One day I had a UTI, the next I didn't, then the next it was back again, and then I had a migraine or two...UGH! But I was muddling through it all just fine. Keeping up with most things domestic and work. So yesterday after a meeting I had I noticed that I was having a sharp stabbing pain in my left side. At first it was just a little annoying, but then it started getting worse. By the time I had made it to pick up the kids at school it was MUCH worse, and by the time I went to bed last night I couldn't sleep because it kept waking me up, even after I took pain meds!

So I dropped the kids off at VBS this morning and headed to work, called the doctor and went on about my way. In pain, but moving. My doctor's appointment was at 1:00 this afternoon, and at 1:05 he delivered the bad news...(insert horrible scary movie music here) "You have a kidney stone, and I think it is rather large so you need to get x-rays this afternoon."

I think my entire world came to a screeching halt right then. Kidney stone??? Are you kidding me????? So after going to get my pain meds and lots of junk food because I am not eating anything healthy for the next few days I am sitting in bed writing this post. I will find out tomorrow if I have to go in the hospital for the stone or just have to let it pass...UGH!

Pray for me...ALL of you please pray for me!!!

My first award...

2009-06-09T14:08:00.003-05:00

So over at Jeannie's Happy World...you might remember me posting her blog in favorite blog of the week last week...she is giving all bloggers this beautiful award! SO I am giving it to you! If you have a blog go ahead and copy it and paste it into your blog and give yourself a lovely award! :)